Welcome to the Machine

Hello everyone. Welcome back. I apologize for my last couple posts being about how long I’ve been gone and hollow promises of getting back to this blog. Life has threw a couple wrenches in my gears lately, but I’ve been working hard to get all those cogs freed up and running smoothly. I could tell you all the sad, frustrating, hair pulling, banging my head against the wall stories that have kept me away from this blog and many things in general, and I might, but not today.

I know, as well as anyone, that life can get in the way. It’s a machine. It keeps chugging along, regardless of the parts falling off, needing greased, or repaired. It is a machine to be admired for its unwillingness to quit, regardless of how it falls apart. People are much the same. That is how I have felt lately, like a machine in need of a serious breakdown and rebuild. But I don’t have time for that, so I make small repairs where I can – on the side of the road, in the rain, in the gas station parking lot – because on this journey, you don’t always have time to stop. You have to evaluate the priority parts and make sure you keep those on par, everything else? Well, it just depends on where it is on the priority list.

Sometimes we think certain parts of the machine are important when they really aren’t. That is a problem. It leaves us blindsided when a part that is actually important blows up. This has happened to me a few times lately. So, I am trying to shave off some unnecessary parts and focus on the core of the machine. Because unfortunately, when some of those really important parts blow up, there’s no fixing them or replacing them. You  must simply move on without them and readjust the way the machine works.

In my re-evaluation, I have decided that I have neglected some major components of my machine called life for far too long. And I have lost some parts that cannot be replaced. So, I am changing the oil, lubing the chain, changing the air filter, and moving on.

When is the last time you re-evaluated your life? There is never a bad time to sit down and make a list of the people or things that you love but haven’t seen or done in a while. Our excuse is usually that there isn’t enough time right now, I’ll do it later. I promise you that the most important thing you can do is make time. Right now, before your machine blows, locks up, and leaves you stranded with a part that you’ve lost and cant’ replace. As a quote by Buddha says, “The problem is, you think you’ve got time.”

As my favorite band, Pink Floyd, says, “Welcome to the machine.” Be sure to take care of yours every once in a while.


 

“Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. The road of life is paved with flat squirrels that couldn’t make a decision.” – Anonymous

“We travel because we need to, because distance and difference are the secret tonic to creativity. When we get home, home is still the same, but something in our mind has changed, and that changes everything.” – Anonymous

“There is a kind of crying I hope you have not experienced, and it is not just crying about something terrible that has happened, but crying for all of the terrible things that have happened, not just to you but to everyone you know and to everyone you don’t know and even the people you don’t want to know. A crying that can not be diluted by a brave deed or a kind word, but only by someone holding you as your shoulders shake and your tears run down your face.” – Lemony Snicket

“Until we are ready, we’ll be waiting for the rest of our lives.” – Lemony Snicket

“February is the shortest month of the year, so if you are having a miserable month, try to schedule it for February.” – Anonymous

“It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited, and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things.” – Lemony Snicket

“There’s a history of heartbreak, Tucked in the creases of her eyes, A museum of the moments, That she’d watch just pass her by, And each tear that escaped her, Held the things she’d left unsaid, So the words she’d never spoken, Stained her dampened cheeks instead.” – e.h.

“I think there are two kinds of forgiveness, the kind that when you forgive you’re also giving then another chance, or the kind where you forgive, but move on without them. Use them both wisely.” – s.b.

“You told me that you had my back, And I thought that it was true, Now my shadow’s still behind me, But where on earth are you?” – e.h.

” ‘Love me slowly,’ she whispered, like the love I had for her, had limits. Like it could run out as easily as a grain of time. I could tell, by the sound of fear in her lungs, that she had a terrible past. The kind that no one talks about, the kind that remains bottled up inside of you, slowly and quietly, killing everything in your bones.” – Christopher Poindexter

“There is no statute of limitations on starting over. Re-invent yourself every day. Be the girl who walks barefoot and listens to the blues. Tomorrow, wear a trench coat and speak fierce truths. Be a phoenix. Be ashes. Burn down. Resurrect. Let go of the idea that you must always be who you have always been.” – unknown

“If we were meant to stay in one place, we’d have roots instead of feet.” he said. – Rachel Wolchin

“Le beau est toujours bizarre. (The beautiful is always bizzar.)” – Charles Baudelaire

“She wears strength and darkness equally well, the girl has always been half goddess, half hell.” – unknown

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Wanderlust & Wordy Wednesday: Lake Winnie

Hello dear readers! Today’s destination is, I hope, a fun one. I went here many times as a child and always loved it. As a family, we went here instead of Six Flags. Shocking, yes I know. Today’s destination is Lake Winnepesaukah, or as it is more commonly know, Lake Winnie.

For those of you who don’t know, Lake Winnie is an amusement park in Rossville, GA, just south of Chattanooga, TN. It was opened by Carl and Minette Dixon in 1925 and was named after the Native American word Winnepesaukah, meaning bountiful waters. They purchased 100 acres surrounding a 9 acre lake. It was originally home to the largest swimming pool in the southeastern US (22,000 sq ft) but was later removed. The boat shoot ride, designed by Carl Dixon and opened in 1927, is the oldest mill chute water ride of it’s kind still open in the United States.

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The original Boat Shoot, still in operation. 

Flat rides were added in the 40’s and 50’s, and the first roller coasters were added in the 1960’s. The most iconic of these, the Cannonball, is a wooden roller coaster added in 1967. This is one of the first “big kid” roller coasters that I ever road. One time, my brother and our cousins were riding it, and because there was no one else in line the operator didn’t make us get off. He actually sped it up and we jumped the tracks coming back into the station. It was fantastic and I still carry fond memories of this coaster everywhere I go. The coaster actually has a top speed of 50 mph, a 70 ft vertical drop, and 2,272 ft of track spanning three quarters of a mile. It’s only 90 seconds but oh so worth it. Other rides here include more modern coasters now, as well as many kiddie rides.

2013 saw the addition of the SoakYa water park, a 5 acre expansion for the park. The park is set up like a classic American Fair, with a midway featuring food, rides, and games. It also has an outdoor concert area called “Jukebox Junction”. A lot of people will tell you that the park is outdated. Personally I think that it’s classic. I enjoy the fact that it reminds me of a simpler time. It’s not as new fangled or complicated as Six Flags but I feel like that’s really just part of it’s charm.

If you’re ever in the area, do me a favor and give it a try. Reserve judgement for yourself. You can find all the info you need, such as hours, ticket prices, and more here. Do you have memories here? Share them with me!


“I’m looking at her. She’s sitting across the room on the couch, book in hand, arms pressing down the blanket that wraps her body. Lost in words, but sensing my gaze, she looks over the pages and smiles. Then her eyes and mind return to another world, while her heart stays here with me.” – Dean Jackson

“She understood that the hardest times in your life to go through were when you were transitioning from one version of yourself to another.” Sarah Addison Allen

“Do I have to spell it out for you, or scream it in your face? The chemistry between us could destroy this place.”

“Watch carefully, the magic that occurs when you give a person just enough comfort to be themselves.” – Atticus

“Don’t let the heart that didn’t love you keep you from the one that will.”

“Stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone ought to be.”

“You are so brave and quiet I forget you are suffering.” – Ernest Hemmingway

“I think it’s very healthy to spend time alone. You need to know how to be alone and not be defined by another person.” – Oscar Wilde

“There are far, far better things ahead than anything we leave behind.” – C.S. Lewis

 

Between the Sand and the Stardust

 

It was a long weekend (last weekend) and a long week. I hope everyone has survived the winter storm and the snow and ice. We didn’t get too much but just enough to lightly dust the yard. However, my mom slipped and fell at work and broke her elbow. Technically one of the bones in her forearm I believe, but right at the elbow. She had to have surgery and have a plate and screws put in to pull the bones back together. Since my dad does good to just walk around, and just had eye surgery a few days before this happened, my brother and I have been doing all we can to help pick up the slack.

I promise you I am doing my best to get back on track with this blog but January (for the last three years) seems to demand to be noticed. Perhaps now that we’re on the Eve of February, things will fall back into place. I’ve decided to just do a quote post, as I keep running across some that I just fall in love with.

“I loved how his eyes danced merrily, and the gentle way he spoke, the way he filled my aimless days, with bitterness and hope.

I loved him as I fell asleep, and each morning as I woke; I loved him with all my wayward heart – until the day it broke.”  – Lang Leav

” ‘Look up,’ the darkness whispered, ‘Do you wish to travel time? For there are centuries of stories Hidden inside each star’s shine. Yet what you see is just a sentence In a tale with many more, For the light reaching us now Left its home countless years before. And someday in the future Long after your last goodbye, Perhaps somebody else Will turn their eyes up to the sky, And where now you just see darkness They will see a brand new light, The beginnings of a story That has just left home tonight.’ ” – E.h.

“If you came to me with a face I have not seen, with a name I have never heard, I would still know you. Even if centuries separated us, I would still feel you. Somewhere between the sand and the stardust, through every collapse and creation, there is a pulse that echoes of you and I.  When we leave this world, we give up all our possessions and our memories. Love is the only thing we take with us. It is all we carry from one life to the next.” – Stardust

“and I think the saddest thing is how it is so much easier to just not say anything at all.” -kpk

“That’s the problem with being the strong one. No one offers you a hand.” – m.t.

“Even if you know what’s coming, you’re never prepared for how it feels.” – Natalie Standiford

“Boys…every day is a box. It’s up to you whether it’s gonna be a gift or a coffin.” – Sons of Anarchy

“And in your hesitation, I found my answer.”

“Just because you’re hurt, doesn’t mean you’re broken.”

“Maybe the wolf is in love with the moon, and each month it cries for a love it will never touch.”

“And in being so young and dipped in folly I fell in love with melancholy.” – Edgar Allen Poe

“Their love was strong, but timing was wrong, and love decided, they didn’t belong.” – s.t.

“You can find me where the music meets the ocean, if you get the notion, drop on by and stay a while.” – zac brown

“She says nothing at all, but simply stares upward into the dark sky and watches, with sad eyes, the slow dance of the infinite stars.” – Neil Gaiman

“And know you’re not the only ship out on the ocean. Save your strength for things that you can change, forgive the ones you can’t. You gotta let ’em go.” – Zac Brown Let It Go

 

 

Hello World!

Hello all. I know this blog has been all over the place since I started it and I apologize. I am new to this blogging thing and I have decided to join the current Blogging:101 course going on to not only learn more about blogging, but to hopefully find a focus for my blog.

Today’s assignment is to say hello to the world. For those of you who are new here, this will give you some insight into who I am and what I hope to accomplish. For those of you who aren’t new here and have popped by a few times, maybe this is a refresher for you.

I’m a quarter-lifer (mid twenties) lady who lives in the deep South. I love to bake. I grew up learning to cook from practically my whole family. My Dad taught me to make grilled cheese sandwiches when I couldn’t even see the stove top. He pulled up a chair for me to stand in, for those of you who are curious. My Mom has been teaching me to follow recipes and bake and decorate cakes for as long as I can remember. My grandmother taught me to make biscuits in the flour bowl (by making a depression in the center and adding your liquids, not as hard as it sounds), gravy, and the family secret chocolate pie.

I love reading and I learned to read before I started pre-k. My parents owned a business when my brother and I were little. and we stayed with baby sitters a lot, so I don’t know the exact time I learned to read. My Dad was tucking me in one night and decided to see if I could read any of the story. I read it all to him, but since it was my favorite, he tried a different book, which I also read to him. He loves to read and apparently I got that gene. I DEVOUR books like a monster. 300 pages take me one day if I don’t have anything to do.

I also grew up playing in grease. My Dad and his friends are shade tree mechanics from the 70’s and his passion for cars was also passed on to me. I can change a tire, oil, brakes, and more. I love classic cars. His passion fueled mine since he never told me that girls weren’t supposed to work on cars. Instead, he told me that I would need to do these things on my own so that I wouldn’t have to rely on sketchy strangers if I ever got a flat. I now work in the automotive field in a body shop. I am lucky to have my job because there are still many shops down here who aren’t too keen on hiring women. The shop I work for treats me like family.

I love to take road trips and ride motorcycles. My parents have always had a sense of wanderlust and it also got passed down. I’ve also been riding on the back of my Dad’s motorcycle since I can remember. I now ride on the back of my boyfriend’s bike but can’t wait to have my own.

I started this blog to chronicle a journey in my life and I feel like I got a little off track by posting a lot of quotes. I am not very good at expressing my feelings when I am down, so I use quotes. I have decided to try and post less of those on this blog. If there is still interest in the many quotes I have collected over the years, I will gladly start a blog just for those.

I will try to cover a range of topics, about my life experiences, travels, my Dad’s health, my new experience as moving out and being a first time home owner at the same time. I will try to throw in some DIY car tutorials, home ideas, and some recipes. If you’re lucky, I might even let you in on the Family Chocolate Pie Recipe. 😉

Welcome to the weirdness. Welcome to my slice of the internet. Welcome to See You Starside.

Stars….

A lot of things happened tonight. Honey got into a fight with his Dad, which has only compounded certain situations. I don’t really want to talk about it, so here are some quotes.

“We look up at the same stars and see such different things.”

“Just like love, it ain’t the bullet that kills you, it’s the empty space it leaves behind.” – Michael Xavier

“As long as I kept moving, my grief streamed out behind me like a swimmer’s long hair in the water. I knew the weight was there but it didn’t touch me. Only when I stopped did the slick, dark stuff of it come floating around my face, catching my arms and throat till I began to drown. So I just didn’t stop.” – Barbara Kingsolver

“I have looked at you in millions of ways and I have loved you in each.”

“I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow and each road leads you where you want to go.”

“and there were always those nights where she preferred the rain over people. because the rain would remind her of how she should feel and people would remind her of the things she always wanted to forget.” – R.M. Drake

“The marks humans leave are too often scars.” The Fault In Our Stars by John Green

“But it is the nature of stars to cross, and never was Shakespeare more wrong than when he has Cassius note, ‘The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, but in ourselves.’ ” – The Fault In Our Stars by John Green

“There is no shortage of fault to be found among our stars.” – The Fault In Our Stars by John Green

“Old ways won’t open new doors.”

“They can’t kill your dreams, so they assassinate your character.”

“Some tourists think Amsterdam is a city of sin, but in truth, it is a city of freedom. And in freedom, most people find sin.” – The Fault in our Stars

“Pain is like fabric: the stronger it is, the more it’s worth.” – The Fault in Our Stars

” ‘Sometimes people don’t understand the promises they’re making when they make them,’ I said. Isaac shot me a look. ‘Right, of course. But you keep the promise anyways. That’s what love is. Love is keeping the promise anyways. Don’t you believe in love?’ ” – The Fault in Our Stars

“I told myself – as I’ve told myself before – that the body shuts down when the pain gets too bad, that consciousness is temporary, that this will pass. But just like always, I didn’t slip away. I was left on the shore with the waves washing over me, unable to drown.” – The Fault In Our Stars

We’re All Mad Here.

Pretty sure I’m fighting off some serious depression. I mean, things aren’t nearly as bad as they could be but I honestly think it’s a result of feeling like we are taking one step forward and three steps back. Good news of the day: Dad should be able to start using his fistula Monday. The graft seems to be working. The bad news: One of the incisions from the surgery to (put in, originally) take out his PD catheter seems to be getting infected again… So the Doc immediately prescribed him Bactrim. Again. Hopefully this time it works. The last thing he, or his spirit, needs right now is another hospital stay…

I just want to feel like we are actually moving forwards for once. No more back sliding, no side stepping, just forward momentum. I don’t even really care how slowly it goes, as long as it doesn’t go backwards. I just want him to genuinely feel better, my mom to not feel so stressed, and things to start smoothing out to what will become our new normal.

Right now though, this house is about as far from normal as it gets. My dad is on dialysis (and we are adjusting to Hemo from PD), he’s also diabetic, my mom is in denial and works swing shifts, my brother and his wife (now, long story) still live here (still following Mom’s rule of her sleeping in the spare room, him on the living room couch), and I still live here. It’s over crowded to say the least and personalities and such are clashing like you would not believe. All I want is a small piece of land and a tiny house. A sanctuary in the woods that Honey and I can call home, and a life that is my own. But these days, even that seems too much to ask for.

So, I am trying for now to have a new outlook on things. I am trying to let go of any anger or grudges, realizing that there is pain underneath. I have been trying to come to terms with the fact that while someone hurts us and it stays with us, they do not always realize that they wounded us as deeply as they did. So I am trying to forgive because really, forgiveness has more to do with me than them. It takes all my time and energy, especially if they don’t feel or know that they did anything wrong.

“Don’t feel bad if people only remember you when they need you. Feel privileged that you are like a candle that comes to their mind when there is darkness.”

“She needs to have a few drinks and cry a little – then she’ll be perfect.” – Tom Ford

“Expecting a trouble-free life because you are a good person is like expecting the bull not to charge you because you are a vegetarian.” – Jeffery R. Holland

“I’m not interested in competing with anyone. I hope we all make it.” – Erica Cook

“I have looked at you in millions of ways and I have loved you in each.”

“A lot of problems in the world would disappear if we talked to each other instead of talk about each other.”

“Show respect even to people who don’t deserve it; not as a reflection of their character, but as a reflection of yours.” – Dave Willis

“Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny.” – C.S. Lewis

“I wear this crown of thorns upon my liar’s chair, full of broken thoughts I cannot repair. Beneath the stains of time, the feelings disappear. You are someone else, I am still right here. What have I become, my sweetest friend? Everyone I know goes away in the end. And you could have it all, my empire of dirt. I will let you down, I will make you hurt.” – Hurt, Johnny Cash

“You take the breath right out of me, and left a hole where my heart should be.” – Breath  Breaking Benjamin

“Yeah, I could use a dream or a genie or a wish to go back to a time much simpler than this.” Airplanes,  B.O.B.

“She’s all laid up in bed with a broken heart, while I’m drinking Jack all alone in the local bar. And we don’t know how, how we got into this mad situation, only doing things out of frustration, trying to make it work but man these times are hard.” – For the First Time The Script

“Meet me out past the train tracks, I’m leaving and not coming back. You were right and I was wrong, this town will be the downfall of us all.” The Downfall of Us All A Day to Remember

“I abide my heart to know wisdom, and to know madness and folly. I perceive that this also was a chasing at the wind. For in much wisdom, is much grief. And he that increaseth knowledge, increaseth sorrow.” – Assassin’s Creed

“None of us find as much kindness in this life as we should.” Memoirs of a Geisha

Fluster Cuck.

Because there’s really not another way to describe how the past month has been. Dad is out of the hospital. He had a vascular access put in under his right collar bone (temporary, and on his non-dominant side), which irritates him slightly because that collar bone was busted up in his wreck ten years ago. They also made the fistula in his right arm while he was in surgery. It’s supposed to go on your non-dominant forearm. However, his veins have a tendency to run or roll (I just picture a little vein jumping out of reach of the needle going “Please no! Not again! I’m scared of needles!” lol) so they put it in his upper right arm. 

Honey and I were at the hospital the day he got out of surgery ( a few hours later). A nurse came to check for the blood flow and couldn’t hear or feel it. They called the surgeon in who also couldn’t hear or feel it. They weren’t really worried about it at the time because of the staph infection. However, he went back two weeks  ago for an ultra sound and it was determined that there is a slight clot in the fistula. They scheduled him for surgery this past Thursday. He went back and they put in a graft to take the place of the vein. He has to go back in a few weeks. Fingers crossed that all goes well. 

He went to a foot doctor too and also found out that when he had his motorcycle wreck 10 years ago, the hospital ER only xrayed his leg above the ankle. They found his shattered leg, sent him to emergency surgery, put a rod in it and wrapped it in a cast. His foot bones were also shattered. So that means his foot wasn’t fixed and was then put into a cast. So all the bones are pretty much one solid mass. They don’t know how he’s been walking for the past ten years and they don’t know what to do about it. They don’t really want to do surgery if they don’t know it will fix it. So they ordered him special shoes to help.

I feel so bad for him. It seems to just be one thing after another and I know he’s tired…

 

On to quotes.

“and there were always those nights where she preferred the rain over people. because the rain would remind her of how she should feel and people would remind her of the things she always wanted to forget.’ – r.m. drake

“to me, you’ll always be thunderstorms and cloudy night skies, the reasons why the moons glow and the suns rise.” – tyler kent white

“I was your cure, and you were my disease. I was saving you, but you were killing me.”

“You can’t change what you refuse to confront.”

“Don’t dig up in doubt what you planted in faith.” – Elizabeth Elliot

“Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It’s a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity.” – Pema Chodron

” I cannot tell you any spiritual truth that deep within you don’t know already. All I can do is remind you of what you have forgotten.” – Eckhart Tolle

“People too often forget that it is your own choice how you want to spend the rest of your life.”

“I’ll throw my voice into the stars and maybe the echo of my words will be written for you in the clouds by sunrise. All I am trying to say is: I will love you through the darkness.”  – Christopher Poindexter

“Normality is a paved road: it’s comfortable to walk, but no flowers grow on it.” – Vincent Van Gogh

“Everybody does not have to like you. That is not their job. Liking you is not anyone’s purpose in life except yours.” – Iuanla Vanzant

“Some people cross your path and change your whole direction.”

“The soul usually knows what to do to heal itself. The challenge is to silence the  mind.”

“Patience is the calm acceptance that things can happen in a different order than the one you have in mind.” – David G. Allen

“because if you can keep hope alive, it will keep you alive.”

“but in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines, it will shine out the clearer.” – Samwise Gamgee LOTR: the Two Towers

“People have a habit of inventing fictions they will believe wholeheartedly in order to ignore the truth they cannot accept.” – Libba Bray, The Sweet Far Thing

“In each of us lie good and bad, light and dark, art and pain, choice and regret, cruelty and sacrifice. We’re each of us our own chiaroscuro, our own bit of illusion fighting to emerge into something solid, something real. We’ve got to forgive ourselves that. I must remember to forgive myself. Because there is a lot of grey to work with. No one can live in the light all the time.” – Libba Bray

“We all do things we desperately wish we could undo. Those regrets just become part of who we are, along with everything else. To spend time trying to change that, well, it’s like chasing clouds.” – Libba Bray

“Sometimes we sweek that which we are not yet ready to find.” Libba Bray, Rebel Souls

“These are hard times. The world hurts. We live in fear and forget to walk with hope. But hope has not forgotten you. So ask it to dinner. It’s probably hungry and would appreciate the invitation.” – Libba Bray, Going Bovine

 

First post from a tablet!

Yay for advancing technology! In some ways. This post is bittersweet. I am posting from my tablet because my laptop has temporarily abandoned me. :(. On to an update.

My dad has added two more doctors to his team. He has been having trouble breathing and has not been getting his energy back like he should. Other than that, the dialysis sees to be going fine. When he informed his nephrologist about his lack of energy and the return of troubked breathing, they referred him to a cardiologist.

My aunt, who has been a nurse for 30+ years, did not like the cardiologist they suggested, so she changed his appointment to a different one. She does this quite often and we trust her judgement.

They did an ekg, chest x-ray, stress test, and ultrasound. The news was a mixed blessing. His heart is in relatively good shape, considering he is a 56 year old diabetic, slightly overweight male. He has a small leakage, which they will monitor but are not really concerned with. The bad news is the his body is beginning to retain fluid again. It is already buikding up around his heart and lungs, hence the lack of energy and difficulty breathing.

Unfortunately, this was not the last of the bad news. The Dialysis Center and DFACS also delivered some bad news of their own. My Dad finally got accepted for SSDI, which is good news. The bad news that came with it is that even though he will not recieve these payments until June (something about waiting a 6 month probationary period),his acceptance alone apparently means that we are no longer eligible for food stamps. It was hard on my Mom to apply for them again, and we only had them for a week.

The next part of the bad news came from the Dialysis Center. They routinely do all sorts of tests on Dad to monitor everything. This includes,but is not limited to, blood, urine, and stool tests. On the day we recieved the news about the fluid and his heart, we also recieved a call from the DC. Whatever they test his stool for (blood I think) came back positive. Apparently this is not good. He now gets to add a GI to his team. His gastrointestional appointment is early next month.

His cataracts are starting to give him problems again too. He had the lens replaced in both eyes a few months before we found out he has CKD. I’m not sure if they will be qble to do it again, with all his conditions now. I do know that once his Medi (cade? Care? I can never keep them straight) he intends to schedule an appointment with his optometrist.

I worry about him and mom both. I worry about the physical tolls as well as the emotional tolls… We shall keep our heads up as much as possible.

Been A Long Weekend.

Things have been a little rough since Dad’s surgery. He has been working a few days, and has a day off tomorrow. He forgot to wear an undershirt the first day and rubbed some of the incisions a little raw. He wore an undershirt the next day and it was a little better. Friday night was rough on him. He took a pain pill they prescribed because he was hurting. Mom had fell helping with a wedding and took a half of her pain pills, so I drove her to Wal-Mart where we picked up some super soft gauze, medical tape, and Neosporin with pain relief. He said that it helped keep him from scratching or rubbing at the incisions.

He’s also been having a severe problem trying to eat. They gave him some medicine before his surgery to clear up his sinuses but it severely dehydrated him… Whenever he went to eat after that, he says it is like trying to swallow a mouth full of dirt with no spit in your mouth. He also keeps getting choked about halfway down his esophagus. He’s thrown up more than kept anything down. I’m severely worried about him. Mom is calling his doctor tomorrow. Hopefully everything is ok.

Most people don’t know what to say when we tell them about Dad’s situation. They apologize, don’t meet our eyes, try to tell us about so and so that they knew that was on dialysis, or ask about  a transplant. We try to be patient with them because we know how they feel. We don’t know what to say or how to feel about it either.

Some people can go years before they have to go on Dialysis after they find out they have CKD or kidney failure. Some only have months. Dad was one of those with months. It is a lot to learn and adjust to in a very small amount of time. There is a diet to change (which will have to be more strict now than it was) and new terms to learn. There is also a lot to learn about dialysis as well. There are different types with different pros and cons and different methods.

Mom is having a really hard time with this as well. She does what she can to keep Dad going when he gets down or snaps at her because he’s hurting. He’s impatient and just wants to feel better. And who can blame him? Because honestly, that’s probably what we all want when we are sick. To be better, to feel better, and to not feel like a burden on our families. In turn, Mom leans on me. And I do my best to stop the chain and not lean on anyone. I know how it feels to be a support beam in the system, and I try not to let myself deal with this situation anymore than I have to because they need me to be strong for them.

It’s been tough, even though we’ve barely started. I know better days and break downs are both headed our way, but we will face them head on, and cross those bridges as we come to them.