Being a Lady in a Man’s World


This is just a warning that I’m going to get on a *bit* of a soapbox here. But I can’t be the only one out there who feels this way. I’m also going to preface this blog by saying that not only do I spend every day in a male dominated job ( a job that I love and went to college for, I’m not here by accident), I was raised with a brother.

Now, my parents raised my brother and I the same way for the most part (up until those years where they think you might get pregnant so you have to stay home while your brother goes to a party even though you’ve never even had a boyfriend and he’s had several girl friends). As children, we were allowed to do things and try things that are not considered “lady like” by all, like playing in the mud, riding four wheelers, and learning to work on cars. But my parents raised us that it doesn’t matter if you’re male or female. You can bring the same things to the table. They did, however, raise me to understand that I am a smaller person, and by nature, I am not as strong as other people. They raised me with this truth that although I am not as strong as some, it doesn’t mean that I am “less than”. It’s just what it is, and I need to accept my limitations so that I don’t hurt myself. They raised me to see that I am smarter than some people, like other people are stronger than me. And that you don’t use this as a way to be superior to others, but as a way to lift others up, while also figuring out other ways to do things that I am physically too small for.

Now, as I said, I am in a male dominated job every day. I work in the paint side of a body shop. My job is physical and demanding, and some days I come home dirtier than my boyfriend (who is a machinist). People ask me sometimes how this is being a lady and all. For the most part, I don’t imagine it’s much different than being a dude. In college (which ran for some parts like an actual body shop) and in my job, I’ve had the same experience with my peers. They are cautious around me at first, like they aren’t sure what to expect and how to act. Once I kinda (subtly) set boundaries for what behavior I will and will not tolerate (I’m a socially anxious person and I like my bubble), I just dig in. I get to work the same as they do. And once they realize I’m serious and I’m there to work, it’s all good. They help me lift parts that are too heavy for me to carry on my own without belittling me. They do it for me the same way they do for each other (granted for me it’s like a hood or a door, and for each other it’s like an entire truck bed but still). They do it with respect as equals. And I love them for it.

It’s often people outside of my industry or people in  my industry who have not worked with females that I have issues with. There are two types of guys I meet when I tell people what I do. The first is the asshole. This is a guy who thinks that I’m either doing my job because I feel like I have something to prove as a woman (not true, it’s something my dad did and I grew up around my whole life) or that they know how to do my job better. My favorite is the one who thinks they know more than I do but has never done any part of my job. This is the person I get so angry with, I just smile and walk away. You cannot win with these types of people so it’s best not to engage with them at all. The second person is the one who is supportive. They want to know what it was that got me into it, are happy to answer any questions that I have, or (if they don’t work in my industry) ask me all sorts of questions related to my job. I love these people. They make me feel welcome in my industry and just make me feel like a normal human.

It’s not just in my job that it irritates me on being a woman in a man’s world and it being made obvious. I enjoy riding motorcycles. I have been on the backs of bikes since I was a baby and I’ve just last year went and taken a course to get my license. But when you go to look at bikes and equipment, you are usually made to feel different. It’s difficult to find serious equipment. Everything is usually overly girly and not geared towards safety, but towards fashion. Just check out your local Harley Davidson store. I’m not about that life. Fashion is nice, but I need function too. I don’t want things that scream “Look at me! I’m a lady doing man things!” I want things that scream “I’m doing something I enjoy, and I know how to protect myself doing it. I’m serious about this thing I’m doing.” Finding quality boots that have grip and don’t have a fashion heel is hard, and they’re usually way more expensive than comparable mens boots. Finding a jacket that is fitting and actually protective is another issue. They usually have rhinestones or things like that when I just want a plain jacket. I’m so small that the men’s jackets don’t fit without issues. I have no problem wearing men’s stuff, but I have a very small frame and it usually doesn’t fit as well as I need it to. Not to mention, not everything for women has to have pink or purple on it. There. I said it.

I am also getting into shooting bows thanks to my boyfriend. He has also been trying to convince me to go hunting with him. Holy crap is there a limited selection there too. And I swear, EVERYTHING has pink or purple on it. (I’m looking at you “Muddy Girl” camo). It’s very hard to find regular camo that is function and isn’t a v cut or have pink or purple. And small enough to fit. And no, I can’t wear the little kids camo. My waist is small enough but my legs are way too long. AND I do NOT want to be told to “just check the kids section”. I’m a grown ass woman and I’m closer to 30 than 18. I DO NOT want to shop in the kids section and no I’m not “luckier” because it’s cheaper. The only camo you can find that is cut for ladies but otherwise the same as the guys seems to be extremely expensive. (I’m looking at you Sitka and First Lite).

Looking for things for my bow are much the same. There are a million different options for the “guys” but there are only a few for women. (If you’re like me and need smaller equipment for my wimpy noodle arms). I seriously just bought a “youth” release mechanism for my bow because it fit just as well as some of the “womens” and it wasn’t pink or purple. I just bought arrows that are white and aqua and they were the ONLY ones I could find small enough between three big box stores that weren’t pink or purple.

Now, I know I’m harping on pink and purple, but if that’s your thing, power to you. I just don’t feel the need to highlight the fact that I’m a lady. I just want to feel equal. I don’t want to feel superior, I don’t want to feel less than. Just equal. There’s a name for this “marketing scheme” or whatever you want to call it. “Shrink it and pink it.” and I don’t feel that it’s a good thing to teach our youth, be they male or female. I think that if you enjoy something, the “colors” shouldn’t deem it a male or female thing. You should be able to get the equipment that you need, in the sizes and cuts you need it in, in whatever color you want. A Tonka Truck shouldn’t have to be pink for a girl to feel like she can play with it. Now, I know girls like things that are pink and purple sometimes and that’s fine, but the option should be there for girls who don’t. The NERF guns that are for girls, that are while and pink and branded as “different” drive me up the fucking wall. What was wrong with the regular ones? Why do girls who want to play with NERF guns have to be labeled or branded to as different?

Now, maybe it’s just me. And if so, I’ll get off my soap box. But I just feel like the difference in branding isn’t offering freedom so much as it is driving a wedge between gender equality. It implies that ladies are fragile and dainty and “less than” and “aren’t they cute?” and they need protected. Some people say this mentality is going away but it’s not going fast enough. This isn’t a subject I harp on very much, but I feel it’s important to visit every now and then. If it loses me followers, so be it. I just feel like it isn’t asking for too much to teach people, both kids and adults, that equal is equal and color doesn’t dictate what you can/can’t or should/shouldn’t do or enjoy in your life. And whether you agree or disagree, I’d love to hear your opinions or comments, as well as if you’ve dealt with this in your life, be you male or female.


How to Budget for Travel the Easy Way

Do you love to travel? Is there a destination you’ve always wanted to go to? That seems to be the case for most of us. Sometimes it’s a yearly destination. Sometimes it’s that daydream “I’d love to go but I’ll never be able to” destination. You can get to either of these places, I promise. As long as you’re willing to budget. No matter where your dream destination is, I’m going to show you how I get to the places I want to go.


For me and my boyfriend, budgeting is a way of life. For some people, budget is a dirty word they want to run far away from. But it’s not that scary when you break it down into small manageable chunks. As they say, what’s the best way to eat an elephant? One bite at a time. The first step is to take out a piece of paper (or open a word document) and list every bill you have. Be sure to note which bills are weekly, monthly, and yearly. This list should include everything from your mortgage or rent to insurance and entertainment costs. Multiply any weekly bills by 52 (52 weeks in a year) and any monthly bills by 12. Add your yearly numbers together to get your total yearly expenses. NOW, this number tends to be large, but don’t freak out on me. We’re gonna break it down into manageable chunks, remember?

Now, as I said, I get paid weekly. Therefore, I’m going to work this budget that way. If you get paid biweekly or monthly (I can’t imagine but I do know someone who gets paid this way) you work your budget accordingly. What we are ultimately working towards is how much money you need to take off your paycheck as soon as you get it cashed (or deposited although that makes it a little more complicated and requires more self discipline). Simply take your yearly expense total and divide by 52 (weekly, change this number according to your pay schedule). Now, in our house, we do not add groceries or fuel for our vehicles to this budget list because we keep that money in our wallet as part of our “live on” money. If you feel like you need to add it in, feel free. After all, it’s your budget and I’m not here to tell you what works best for you.

The next step is to subtract that number from your weekly paycheck. Hopefully it is a steady number, but if you are like me (I work on a “flat rate” number that changes my paycheck based on the work that comes in or is completed that week) it doesn’t. If this number is too close to what you make in a week, perhaps consider trimming out a few things (like cable or netflix?) to slim down your expense category. I can make a post about debt solutions later if anyone is interested. Moving on. Assuming that you have money left over, we take at least $100 more off the top than our expenses. THAT money is where our vacations come from. Well…one of the places. We stick that money in an envelope that we hide in our house, but if we were smart, we would probably stick it in a high interest savings account.

That money adds up more quickly than you think. And if $100 leaves you feeling stretched too thin, find an amount that works for you. It doesn’t matter if it’s $20 a week, because even $20 a week is $1,040 at the end of the year. Which is enough for a decent vacation depending on destination, length, and the size of your family. If you’re looking for that dream vacation, stick that money into a high interest savings account and watch it grow. Make yourself a chart where you can mark your progress and you’ll be there before you know it.

Another way that most people don’t think about to help pad that vacay fund is something my boyfriend has been doing for a long time. He started this habit when we got together and I made him get suggested a budget for him. He stopped almost every morning on his way to work for a pack of smokes and coffee. When he came home, he put all his change in a tray on his dresser and forgot about it. As it piled up, I started rolling it and stashing those rolls in a coffee can. That spare change adds up because you don’t think it will. We’ve been together 7 years and have paid for at least 3 vacations (all around the $600 mark) with spare change.

The second thing he does is at the end of the week, before he sorts his money from his paycheck, he goes into his wallet. Any $5s or $1s go into an old coffee can. We affectionately call it “the stripper fund”. *Note: neither of us has ever been nor has any desire to go to a strip club (but we don’t judge those who do), it’s simply a name*. That money is another one that adds up as well. Now, he takes the larger bills and either leaves them in his wallet (for extra to “live on”) or removes them to his personal “stuck back” account to buy things he wants, like hunting or motorcycle gear. You could choose to add that money to your vacation fund as well.

Now, to help keep track of making sure all bills are paid and paid on time, (late fees just cut into your vacation fund) I keep a book. It also helps keep a running record of your growing savings for vacation! We’ve found the key is to find something simple that you can turn into a habit and you’ll be on your dream vacation in no time! I’d love to hear your ways you save for vacation and all those dream places you want to visit.


A Year’s Worth of Reflections, Pt. 1

Hello dear readers.

I know this year has been sporadic in my posting of this blog, but it has been a long complicated year. I would say that I would like to leave many of the things that happened in 2017 in the past, but they have made impacts on my life, and the lives of my family and friends that we simply must move forward with them in tow.  I warn you that this will be a long, and probably depressing read, but I will also add some quotes at the end, as a way of apologizing. Just stick with me. This is part one, a lot of the bad and the painful that I would like to leave in 2017. Part two will be some of the better things, happier and joyful.

It has been a year of loss and pain, and yet a year of small victories and joy. In January, my maternal grandfather passed away at the age of 87, two weeks before what would have been my grandparents’ 66th wedding anniversary.  It is hard to say that it is ever a surprise when someone who has lived such a long life passes, but alas, death is one of those things for which we are never ready. It hit my mom really hard as she had quit her job to take care of my father but instead wound up taking care of her own father.

After her father’s passing, she went immediately to caring for my grandmother. As selfish as it is to say, my father’s health continued to suffer as a result. In May, she took my grandmother to the hospital due to a shortness of breath and a ever growing goiter. They discussed options for removing it, shrinking it, ect. In the end, the hospital decided to refer her to a throat cancer specialist at Emory because they would be more familiar with the type of surgery that would be required. This was sometime in June. The oncologist decided that further testing, such as further blood tests and a biopsy, were necessary to form a more detailed plan of action. In mid July, we received news we were not expecting.

My grandmother, at the age of 86, was diagnosed with stage 4 anaplastic thyroid cancer. Possibly due to not having the goiter removed years ago, but that is not a game worth playing. She was scheduled to start radiation on August 3rd, the day after my mother’s birthday. There was a large family fight because she was required to have a family member stay with her at the Hope Lodge (special housing near the hospital) round the clock. My mom wanted to go but I argued largely against it because my dad’s health was beginning to fail, more so than it already is.

August 2, my mother’s 61st birthday, changed that. My father, who is diabetic, on dialysis, has vision problems, and neuropathy, stepped off the stairs on their front porch wrong on his way to get in the car to dialysis. He broke his ankle, on both sides of his left leg. Being diabetic and on dialysis means that he does not heal quickly. My mom rushed him to the ER the next town over (because the hospital in our town will not touch a patient on dialysis – for any reason) where they splinted his ankle and scheduled him for surgery late the next day. I took off work to stay with my dad while my mom went with her mom for her first radiation treatment and to help move her and my aunt ( who took a temporary leave from work) into the Hope Lodge.

After the surgery for my dad, he didn’t quit using his foot. He couldn’t tell how much pressure he was putting on it because of the neuropathy. The screws pulled out and the plates bent. The options weren’t great after that. They really wanted the wounds to heal more before they went back in. Once they felt that happened as much as it could within the time they had, they went back in and removed the plates, screws, and a few bone shards. They then put a wound vac on it in order to try and speed healing for the next surgery.

In the midst of all this, my grandmother was still undergoing radiation. My mom made a few trips to go see her, while I stayed with my dad. One day, at dialysis, they discovered his fistula (the super vein created in his arm for dialysis) was clotted. They sent him to the vascular center the next town over. They attempted to clean the clots out, and sent him home. He begged them to admit him to the hospital because of the stress he would have to put on his arms getting in and out of the car.

When he got home, it was still bleeding slightly. As he got out of the car, he felt he popped one of the sutures. It began bleeding profusely. My mom couldn’t get him in the car by herself, so she was forced to call an ambulance to transport him to the hospital (the next town over of course). Unfortunately, the paramedics did what is their job, but not quite the correct course of action for this case. They applied pressure to stop the bleeding. Which, as we discovered when he got to the hospital, also reclotted the super vein. Which put him into a surgery that was several hours long. Once they got in to try to bust up the clots, the artificial vein basically disintegrated.

It had been in for three years, which is apparently pretty good, but it also meant that they had to do an emergency reconstruction instead of just cleaning the clots out. They also put a permacath in his chest so they could continue dialysis while his arm healed enough to use.

Meanwhile, my grandmother successfully completed her 6 weeks of radiation at Emory.  She was, understandably, glad to be home. However, my aunt, who had been staying with her at the hope lodge, started dragging her anywhere and everywhere she could think of, even though the doctors had prescribed lots of rest to help her recover from the radiation. I understand what she was trying to do, but my grandmother was visibly exhausted. We were still having problems keeping her blood pressure and sugar under control. A few weeks after she completed radiation, she had to go back to Emory for a check up/ PET scan. My mom and my aunt went with her.

Much to our dismay, the news wasn’t what we were hoping for. The cancer was still there, and there wasn’t much more they could do. The experimental trial they were hoping to get her into did not cover her type of cancer, so that was no longer an option. And, a few days after this, my aunt woke up to find my grandmother non-responsive. They rushed her to the hospital where options were discussed. The hospital where she was taken is where my aunt (my mom’s sister-in-law) has been a nurse for many years. The doctors informed us that there were medications they could give her that *might* help with a few things, like bringing her blood sugar into check, but not with everything. Her kids (my mom, aunt, and uncle) made the decision not to put her on life support or anything like that, to just wait and see. I rushed up there as soon as I could from work, and most of the family was already there.

It was heartbreaking, but to be honest with you, I think she was just tired. Sad and heart broken at the loss of the love of her life, tired of the radiation, and I think, when they told her she still had cancer and few options, she took that the only way she knew how. As God telling her that it was ok to let go, and that it was time. She passed away two days later, and I held my mother as she cried. Ugly tears of soul ripping sorrow. Tears of regret and sadness. Tears of love she still had to give. Tears for the phone call she now had to make to my brother, who moved to Seattle with his wife in March.

After her passing, they went to planning the funeral (which was paid for and mostly planned) and I went to finding flights home for my brother and sister-in-law. I know we do not get to plan things like life or death, but I do hate the fact that the funeral wound up on my brother and sister-in-law’s wedding anniversary.

In the midst of my grandmother getting out of the hospital and her passing, my father had more complications of his own. The wound vac was supposed to heal the wound so they could go in and either a) immobilize his ankle completely with a steel rod or b) amputate his ankle and foot. He and my mom had many many long talks about what would be better. He was leaning towards amputation but the doctor, after more reviewing, convinced him to at least give the immobilization a go. Well, home health had been coming out several times a week to change the wound vac, and one morning, it was full of blood, so full it was bubbling out the plastic dressing of the wound vac because the vac couldn’t keep up. Flash forward two more mornings of this and my mom called his surgeon. The assistant answered, and advised her to take my dad to the ER a town over (same town as earlier, different hospital) where the Dr was already in surgery and she would make sure he knew my dad was waiting to see him.

They immediately admitted him to the hospital with a possible infection. This began another worry of whether or not the infection was septic, which would mean surgery promptly to remove the permacath as it goes directly to his heart. After testing, it was determined that the infection was not in his blood, but was in the soft tissues of the wound. The prognosis was not good. Apparently, for otherwise healthy people, it takes two separate antibiotics, administered daily via IV at the hospital, for several months in the hope that the bacteria won’t become resistant to both of the drugs. For my father, who has many health problems, this was explained to him while also being told that it wasn’t really an option for them because they were afraid of the infection going septic or moving further up the tissue in his leg. He was advised that his best, and pretty much only option, was amputation.

That was on Friday. If that was what he decided, they were going to schedule the surgery for Monday because they felt time was of the essence. He told them to schedule it. He and my mother spent the weekend deep in discussion. While amputation had already been on the horizon, we didn’t think it would come up again so soon. The surgery was done Monday at noon. I left work to be with my mom, who can hold up a good front but was falling apart on the inside. Especially when the surgery took a few hours longer than they told us it would. And when they brought him out of recovery… well, let’s just suffice it to say that it was a long rough night for all of us.

My dad, surprisingly, was more prepared than my mom, I think. She was worried about how to get him places, like home and dialysis, and care for him, with the new change of events. Her car is not handicap friendly, they can’t afford one that is. She drives a 2010 Ford Focus that I had a trailer hitch and cargo carrier installed on so she could put his wheel chair on it. My boyfriend and I, and a friend of ours had built a handicap ramp on the side of the porch so she could get him in the house. We learned a lot about amputation and prosthesis the same way we learned about renal failure and dialysis, on the fly as it was happening. While he was in the hospital recovering from the amputation they went ahead and did a surgery on his opposite arm to try and form another super vein / fistula for dialysis. Unfortunately, this also meant he couldn’t start physical therapy as undo stress on the arm could cause the fistula to collapse or clot.

So, my mom gives him a hard time about adding Thanksgiving and their 35th wedding the anniversary to the days spent in the hospital this year. They sent him home with home health for 3 weeks to let the fistula heal. He went back in the hospital last week (Monday the week before Christmas) because he was wheezing and couldn’t breath. They discovered more fluid build up in his body and in his lungs. They did dialysis every day, and did CAT scans, x-rays, an EKG, an ultrasound of his heart and chest, and more. He was hooked up to a bipap, they are concerned with some spots in his lungs, decide it’s early pneumonia, and possibly COPD. They finally sent him home late Friday after taking a total of 17 liter of fluid off his body and running a round of antibiotics and such for the pneumonia.

While he was in the hospital, his other surgeon (for the fistula) told them Friday morning to try to use it for dialysis. Unfortunately, it didn’t work and we’re not sure where that leaves us. We aren’t sure if he used it too much (which is the more likely possibility), when another surgery will be, or what this means for him starting physical therapy. He did have an appointment to take out the rest of the stitches from his amputation and it *knock on wood* seems to be healing. I, however, am worried because he took out the part of the limb protector that forces him to keep his knee straight, keeping the tendon stretched. But, you can’t force people to do what’s best for them. Especially when that person is a parent. We will see where this all will lead, but that, for now, is a problem for next year.

End part 1. P.S. I also had all 4 wisdom teeth cut out the day after Christmas, which is why I have time to type this.


“The world is not a wish granting factory.” – The Fault In Our Stars

“Your speed doesn’t matter. Forward is forward.” – Unknown

“It seems to me, that love could be labeled poison and we’d drink it anyways.” – Atticus

“I sailed seas of emotion, to wander a forest of scars, I am a dance of Light and darkness, A galaxy of shadow and stars.” – R. Queen

“You spend your whole life stuck in the labyrinth, thinking about how you’ll escape one day, and how awesome it will be, and imagining that future keeps you going, but you never do it. You just use the future to escape the present.” – Looking For Alaska

“You will never recognize happiness if you have never danced the night away with sorrow.” – r.m. drake

“The world is indeed full of peril and in it there are many dark places. But still is fair there is much that is fair. And though in all the lands, love is now mingled with grief, it still grows, perhaps the greater.” – The Lord of the Rings

“You know what the issues is with this world? Everyone wants a magical solution to their problem, and everyone refuses to believe in magic.” – Alice in Wonderland

“People don’t like love, they like that flittery flirty feeling. They don’t love love – love is sacrificial, love is ferocious, it’s not emotive. Our culture doesn’t love love, it loves the idea of love. It wants the emotion without paying anything for it.” – Unknown

“It’s a beautiful thing to have lungs that allow you to breath air and legs that allow you to climb mountains, and it’s a shame that sometimes we don’t realize that that’s enough.” – unknown

“Damaged people love you like you are a crime scene before a crime has even been committed. They keep their running shoes besides their souls every night, one eye open in case things change whilst they sleep. Their backs are always tense as though waiting to fight a sudden storm that might engulf them. Because damaged people have already seen hell. And damaged people understand that every evil demon that exists down there was once a kind angel before it fell.” – Nikita Gill

“You come home, make some tea, sit down in your armchair, and all around there’s silence. Everyone decides for themselves whether that’s loneliness or freedom.” – Unknown

“When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don’t get to decide that you didn’t.” – Louis C.K.

“And then I felt sad because I realized that once people are broken in certain ways, they can’t ever be fixed, and this is something nobody ever tells you when you are young.” – Douglas Coupland Life After God

“Forgive them. All of your thems. The more thems you can forgive, the better you’ll feel.” – Karen Salmansohn

“Sometimes the fear won’t go away, so you’ll have to do it afraid.” – Unknown

“My love, you have too many smiles left in you to be so sad.” – Atticus

“Life advice: Always be the best person you can be. Be kind even when you’re tired. Be understanding even when you’re angry. Do more than you’re asked, and don’t ask for anything in return. Don’t silently expect anything either. Listen when someone talks, and really listen too, stop just thinking of how you’ll reply. Tell people that you love them and that you appreciate them. Go out of your way to do things for people. Be the greatest person you can possibly be and when you mess up, make up for it in the next moment or minute or day. One thing you should never do? Never spend your time trying to prove to anybody that you’re great, your actions will speak for themselves and we only have limited time on this earth, don’t waste it. If someone doesn’t see your light, don’t worry. Like moths, good people are attracted to flame and to light, and they will come.” – Unknown

“In order to love who you are, you cannot hate the experiences that shaped you.” – Andrea Dykrstra

“Sooner or later, everyone sits down to a banquet of consequences.” – Robert Louis Stevenson

“But the past cannot be changed, and we carry our choices with us, forward, into the unknown. We can only move on.” – Libba Bray The Sweet Far Thing

“We create the illusions we need to go on. And one day, when they no longer dazzle or comfort, we tear them down, brick by glittering brick, until we are left with nothing but the bright light of honesty. The light is liberating. Necessary. Terrifying. We stand naked and emptied before it. And when it is too much for our eyes to take, we build a new illusion to shield us from its relentless truth.” – Libba Bray The Sweet Far Thing

“The way sadness works is one of the strange riddles of the world. If you are stricken with a great sadness, you may feel as if you have been set aflame, not only because of the enormous pain but also because your sadness may spread over your life, like smoke from an enormous fire. You might find it difficult to see anything but your own sadness, the way smoke can cover a landscape so that all anyone can see is black. You may find that if someone pours water all over you, you are damp and distracted, but not cured of your sadness, the way a fire department can douse a fire but never recover what has been burnt down.” – Lemony Snickett The Bad Beginning

“You carry so much love in your heart. Give some to yourself.” – r.z.

” ‘You,’ he said, ‘are a terribly real thing in a terribly false world, and that, I believe, is why you are in so much pain.’ ” – Unknown

“There are two types of tired, I suppose. One is a dire need of sleep, and the other is a dire need of peace.” – unknown

” ‘You can’t love someone unless you love yourself first.’ Bullshit. I have never loved myself. But you, Oh God. I loved you so much I forgot what hating myself felt like.” – Unknown

“Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it.” – Harry Potter

“She knew she loved him when ‘Home’ went from being a place to being a person.” – E. Leventhal

“The sun will rise and we will try again.” – Unknown.

Medical Emergencies and Multiple Hospitals

*apologies, this was written Thursday Morning but I’m just getting around to posting it. I will update more later*

Here I am again dear readers. Unfortunately, events like this seem to be the only time I’m able to find enough free time to write. I’m sitting here in the floor, back against the wall, in a hospital room listening to my father and my boyfriend snore.

Life is a complicated animal. Much has happened, as is the case for everyone. But over the last few weeks, it’s been crazy. My grandmother went in the hospital for not being able to breathe. It went from her having a goiter on her windpipe and artery to her also having a very aggressive form of thyroid cancer. While trying to get everything scheduled for her to start radiation at Emory, my mom has also been trying to take care of my father.

Renal failure, diabetes, eye issues, neuropathy (to the point of not being able to feel in his hands and feet), and balance issues are just a few of the lovely things my father faces every day. It’s a constant battle. But, it gets better. Yesterday morning while my mom was getting ready to take my father to dialysis, he fell and broke his ankle. Pretty severely. It was also my mom’s birthday. And her mother was in the hospital due to severe fluid retention that turned out to be a blood clot in her leg.

Today, they managed to get my grandmother released from our local hospital but only to take her to Emory in Atlanta to begin her first day of radiation treatment. My dad is supposed to have surgery on his ankle today. My poor mom can’t be in both places. So I took the day off work to come watch over my dad.

It’s so hard to see him like this. Restless, in pain, and a shadow of his formal self. But this is life. It happens to all of us who are here long enough. And I know he hates for me to see him like this. But I guess we all come to a point where we have to bite our pride and accept the help of those who love us, regardless of the situation. So, while my mom drives to Atl with her sister-in-law and my grandmother, I am sitting here doing research for the coming days after surgery.

Planning to add a ramp to the stairs at my parents’ house. Looking up trailer hitch receivers and cargo trays for my mom’s car to carry a wheel chair for my dad and/or my grandmother. Planning food prep menus to help my parents when they’re exhausted but still need to follow dad’s dietary restrictions.

So many things to do. So little time. The curse of my life.

In these situations, with a loved one who’s health is chronically failing, it’s difficult to explain. People always ask me how he’s doing. It’s hard to say, isn’t it? It’s not like chemo, there is no fight and then remission. The only thing that helps renal failure is a transplant. And what can you tell someone then? He’s hanging in there waiting for  someone with a good kidney and pancreas to pass so he can have them? That, by the way, is not something people want to hear. It’s the truth, but people do not want the truth. Not the whole, unaltered truth that makes them uncomfortable. So I tell people the truest thing I can. He’s still here.

And for now, that’s all that matters.


” ‘ Some people don’t understand the promises they’re making when they make them.’ I said. ‘Right, of course. But you keep the promise anyway. That’s what love is. Love is keeping the promise anyway.’ ” – John Green, The Fault In Our Stars

“He admired my melancholy madness and said that it was graceful and beautiful. But it was neither of those things. I was a hurricane at the centre of a collapsing, burning, building; and I wasn’t someone to be admired at all.”

“Even if you know what’s coming, you ‘re never prepared for how it feels.” – Natalie Standiford

“You wake up every night to fight the same demons that left you so tired the night before, and that, my love, is bravery.” – unknown

“Well it breaks my heart to see you this way, The beauty in life where’s it gone? And somebody told me you were doing ok, somehow I guess they were wrong.” Flogging Molly “Whistles the wind”

“Don’t ever think you’re alone here, We’ve just been trapped in different hells, and people aren’t against you dear, they’re just all for themselves.” – e.h.

“May we exist like the lotus, at ease in muddy water.” – Zen proverb

“Keep your chin up little stargazer, At worlds above your own, You are small but you are stardust, And that’s worth more than you’ve known, For every sun and solar flare, Is made up just like you, And if they’re cause for wonder Then I promise you are too. Look out little stargazer ‘Til nothing’s left unseen, And know there’s not a patch of sky Where no one else’s eyes have been, That the darkness that enfolds you Holds countless other starlit hearts, And with this you stand together Though you live lifetimes apart. Be brave now little stargazer The sky is growing light, And courage wanes like moonbeams When it’s pulled out from the night, But like those who gazed before you; Know when your heart is full of fear, That it is always in your darkness That the stars start to appear.” -e.h.

“we mature with the damage, not with the years.” – Mateus William

“Enjoy every sandwich” – Warren Zevon

“I abide my heart to know wisdom, and to know madness and folly. I perceived that this is also a chasing at the wind. For in much wisdom is much grief. And he that increaseth knowledge, increaseth sorrow.” – Assassin’s Creed

“Empedocles claims that, in utero, our backbone is one long solid; and that through the constriction of the womb and the punishment of birth, it must be snapped again and again and again to form our verterbrae; that for the child to have a spine, it’s back must first be broken.” – The Astonishing Life of Octavian Nothing: Traitor to the Nation M.T. Anderson

“She looks back out the window and as the light slides along her profile, I think I see sadness. And I wonder if she’s sad that I’m so weak and so afraid when she’s always been so strong.” – The Forest of Hands and Teeth

“If I leave you it doesn’t mean I love you any less.” – Warren Zevon “Keep me in your heart.”

“Promise me you will not spend so much time treading water and trying to keep your head above the waves that you forget, truly forget, how much you have always loved to swim.” – Tyler Knott Gregson

“Take the night and darken everything around me, Call the clouds, and listen closely, I’m lost without you. Call your name everyday, when I feel so helpless, I’m fallen down but I’ll rise above this.” – Seether “Rise above this”

“We live in grim times indeed if even children are too world weary to believe in magic.” – Fable

“Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny.” – C.S. Lewis

“She’s all laid up in bed with a broken heart, while I’m drinking Jack all alone in a local bar. And we don’t know how, how we got into this mad situation, only doing things out of frustration, trying to make it work but man these times are hard.” – The Script “For the First Time”

“Mama whispered softly, time will ease your pain. Life’s about changing, nothing ever stays the same.” – Patty Loveless

“Life asked Death, ‘Why do people love me but hate you?’ Death responded, ‘ Because you are a beautiful lie, and I am a painful truth.’ ”

“But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines, it will shine out all the clearer.” – Samwise Gamgee “LOTR: The Two Towers” – J.R.R. Tolkien

“These are hard times. The world hurts. We live in fear and forget to walk with hope. But hope has not forgotten you. So ask it to dinner. It’s probably hungry and would appreciate the invitation.” – Libba Bray “Going Bovine”

“It’s not hard to do. It’s just not easy yet.” – Monte  Selby

“Life is a grindstone, and whether it grinds a man down or polishes him up depends on the stuff he’s made of.” – J. Billings

” ‘Sometimes,’ he said while gripping the fabric of his own pant leg, “You run out of tears long before you run out of hurt.’ ” – Tyler Knott Gregson

“Listen to the musn’ts child, listen to the don’ts , listen to the shouldn’ts, the impossibles, the won’ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me – anything can happen child, anything can be.” – Shel Silverstein

“I clutch my pillow to my chest and bury my face in it. I don’t cry. I just ache. Grief is not as heavy as guilt, but it takes more away from you.” – “Allegiant” Veronica Roth

“Needles and pins, needles and pins, sew me a sail, to catch me the wind. Sew me a sail, strong as a gale, carpenter bring out your, hammers and nails. Hammers and nails, hammers and nails, build me a boat, to go chasing the whales. Chasing the whales, sailing the blue, find me a captain, and sign me a crew. Captain and crew, captain and crew, take me oh take me, to anywhere new.” – Shel Silverstein

“She taught me all about real sacrifice. That it should be done from love… That it should be done from necessity, not without exhausting all other options. That it should be done for people who need your strength because they don’t have enough of their own.” – Veronica Roth Insurgent

“A nurse guy came in and told me I had to leave, that visitors weren’t allowed, and I asked if she was doing okay, and the guy said, “She’s still taking on water.” A desert blessing, an ocean curse. ” – John Green The Fault In Our Stars

“We all carry things inside us that no one else can see. They weigh us down like anchors, they drown us out at sea.” – Chelsea Smile Bring me the Horizion


Welcome to the Machine

Hello everyone. Welcome back. I apologize for my last couple posts being about how long I’ve been gone and hollow promises of getting back to this blog. Life has threw a couple wrenches in my gears lately, but I’ve been working hard to get all those cogs freed up and running smoothly. I could tell you all the sad, frustrating, hair pulling, banging my head against the wall stories that have kept me away from this blog and many things in general, and I might, but not today.

I know, as well as anyone, that life can get in the way. It’s a machine. It keeps chugging along, regardless of the parts falling off, needing greased, or repaired. It is a machine to be admired for its unwillingness to quit, regardless of how it falls apart. People are much the same. That is how I have felt lately, like a machine in need of a serious breakdown and rebuild. But I don’t have time for that, so I make small repairs where I can – on the side of the road, in the rain, in the gas station parking lot – because on this journey, you don’t always have time to stop. You have to evaluate the priority parts and make sure you keep those on par, everything else? Well, it just depends on where it is on the priority list.

Sometimes we think certain parts of the machine are important when they really aren’t. That is a problem. It leaves us blindsided when a part that is actually important blows up. This has happened to me a few times lately. So, I am trying to shave off some unnecessary parts and focus on the core of the machine. Because unfortunately, when some of those really important parts blow up, there’s no fixing them or replacing them. You  must simply move on without them and readjust the way the machine works.

In my re-evaluation, I have decided that I have neglected some major components of my machine called life for far too long. And I have lost some parts that cannot be replaced. So, I am changing the oil, lubing the chain, changing the air filter, and moving on.

When is the last time you re-evaluated your life? There is never a bad time to sit down and make a list of the people or things that you love but haven’t seen or done in a while. Our excuse is usually that there isn’t enough time right now, I’ll do it later. I promise you that the most important thing you can do is make time. Right now, before your machine blows, locks up, and leaves you stranded with a part that you’ve lost and cant’ replace. As a quote by Buddha says, “The problem is, you think you’ve got time.”

As my favorite band, Pink Floyd, says, “Welcome to the machine.” Be sure to take care of yours every once in a while.


“Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. The road of life is paved with flat squirrels that couldn’t make a decision.” – Anonymous

“We travel because we need to, because distance and difference are the secret tonic to creativity. When we get home, home is still the same, but something in our mind has changed, and that changes everything.” – Anonymous

“There is a kind of crying I hope you have not experienced, and it is not just crying about something terrible that has happened, but crying for all of the terrible things that have happened, not just to you but to everyone you know and to everyone you don’t know and even the people you don’t want to know. A crying that can not be diluted by a brave deed or a kind word, but only by someone holding you as your shoulders shake and your tears run down your face.” – Lemony Snicket

“Until we are ready, we’ll be waiting for the rest of our lives.” – Lemony Snicket

“February is the shortest month of the year, so if you are having a miserable month, try to schedule it for February.” – Anonymous

“It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited, and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things.” – Lemony Snicket

“There’s a history of heartbreak, Tucked in the creases of her eyes, A museum of the moments, That she’d watch just pass her by, And each tear that escaped her, Held the things she’d left unsaid, So the words she’d never spoken, Stained her dampened cheeks instead.” – e.h.

“I think there are two kinds of forgiveness, the kind that when you forgive you’re also giving then another chance, or the kind where you forgive, but move on without them. Use them both wisely.” – s.b.

“You told me that you had my back, And I thought that it was true, Now my shadow’s still behind me, But where on earth are you?” – e.h.

” ‘Love me slowly,’ she whispered, like the love I had for her, had limits. Like it could run out as easily as a grain of time. I could tell, by the sound of fear in her lungs, that she had a terrible past. The kind that no one talks about, the kind that remains bottled up inside of you, slowly and quietly, killing everything in your bones.” – Christopher Poindexter

“There is no statute of limitations on starting over. Re-invent yourself every day. Be the girl who walks barefoot and listens to the blues. Tomorrow, wear a trench coat and speak fierce truths. Be a phoenix. Be ashes. Burn down. Resurrect. Let go of the idea that you must always be who you have always been.” – unknown

“If we were meant to stay in one place, we’d have roots instead of feet.” he said. – Rachel Wolchin

“Le beau est toujours bizarre. (The beautiful is always bizzar.)” – Charles Baudelaire

“She wears strength and darkness equally well, the girl has always been half goddess, half hell.” – unknown

A Long Absence And A Short Apology

Hello again, dear readers. I apologize for my long unannounced absence. There were many events that you simply cannot plan for. My father’s birthday, losing my grandfather (my father’s father), motorcycle rally, boyfriend’s brother’s birthday, ect. I may go more in depth on that later, but I do not care to now. Those wounds are still fresh. I hope to get back to my regular blogging schedule soon. There will be no destination today but I am going to post some quotes. I hope you have stuck around and will come back around as I get back into the swing of blogging. So, my sincerest apologies and my deepest thanks.

“Some girls are full of heartache and poetry and those are the kind of girls who try to save wolves instead of running away from them.” – Nikita Gill

” She wears strength and darkness equally well, the girl has always been half goddess, half hell.” – Unknown

“The sun rises over rooftops But there is darkness in these woods, And it drips from broken branches In ways that only darkness could. The peace has long since fled the quiet, Sending shivers down your back, With its fingers reaching out To drag you deeper through the black. The sun it warms a waking world But here your breath becomes a ghost. For its rays reach every place Except the one the needs it most. But far more dangerous than all Lie beds of leaves beneath your feet, As they sing for you to stop, To simply close your eyes, And sleep.” – E.H.

“You must look for constellations In the orange city lights, View each streetlamp as a star That’s simply fallen from the night. So that even tired footsteps Feel like learning how to fly, And you’re never truly trapped Right where the earth touches they sky. Then when your world’s turned upside down You’ll know no matter where you are, That you will always have the chance To fall asleep amongst the stars.” – E.H.

“In each of us lie good and bad, light and dark, art and pain, choice and regret, cruelty and sacrifice. We’re each of us our own chiaroscuro, our own bit of illusion fighting to emerge into something solid, something real. We’ve got to forgive ourselves that. I must remember to forgive myself. Because there is a lot of grey to work with. No one can live in the light all the time.” – Libba Bray A Great and Terrible Beauty

“I know because I read… Your mind is not a cage. It’s a garden. And it requires cultivating.” – Libba Bray

“You know, hope is a mistake. If you can’t fix what’s broken, you’ll uh… you’ll go insane.” – Mad Max: Fury Road

“Don’t carry what you don’t need – in your pocket, in your home, in your heart.” – Joshua Becker

“It does not matter how shallow the water is, you can still drown.”

“And I’d choose you; in a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality, I’d find you and I’d choose you.” – The Chaos Of Stars

” ‘The problem is,’ he said as he leaned in, ‘if I kissed you, I don’t think I’d be able to stop.’ ”

“She appears ever so peaceful, while showing no sign of falling apart. She could have fooled me, but I know she has a stitched up h-e-a-r-t.” – Brett I Beeman

“You can always find something beautiful in something destructive and now I finally understand why I’ve always been fond of you.”

Love is Unconditional, Relationships Are Not.

Life is a funny thing sometimes. It always has a way to bring us back around to a lesson that we learned before and may have, somehow, still forgotten. When I was little, I heard somewhere (either from my parents or read in a book)  that you’re better off to learn lessons from other people because you don’t live long enough to make them all yourself. I took that to heart, but there are still lessons that I have to learn for myself, the hard way.

I’ll be turning twenty five soon. An “official” quarter lifer at that point. I think it is a testament to the stresses of my generation that I had never heard that term used before we came into adult-hood. Some of us have been forced to grow up fast, due to circumstances beyond our control. It’s a testament to the lessons we’ve learned the hard way and the stress that we are under to be adults who are respected instead of looked down upon as “entitled”. It’s a testament to knowing how many of my peers are on anti-depressants and in therapy (neither of which they can afford, so it just gets stacked upon the thousands of dollars of student debt they have). It’s bad when there’s now a name for it because we are having “quarter-life” crises instead of mid-life.

One lesson that has been the hardest learned for me, and that has recently come back to remind me just how I learned it, is that while love is unconditional, relationships are not. This requires a little bit of back story, so bear with me.

My last relationship (as you’ve heard me mention over the last couple personal posts) was very abusive. He was a compulsive liar and very good at gaslighting. I was young and naive, and he wasn’t (naive, that is, he’s younger than I am). He knew exactly how to manipulate me to get what he wanted. This lasted for three years. Three years. The result was that during this, my already low self esteem dropped lower, I became even more withdrawn and anti-social, and I was more lost than ever. I was a teen. My parents were going through a rough time. It was, I thought, the love of my life.

I had only had one other guy before this ever tell me that I was beautiful and that he was in love with me, but that relationship wasn’t meant to be. We never even dated. So, when this guy came along, I took a chance. In some ways, I regret it deeply. I lost a lot of friends and missed out on a lot of experiences (including enjoying experiences like prom and graduation) because of this guy. At first it was great, but then every thing changed and I found myself in a situation that I knew in the back of my mind, was not safe and was not healthy. However, like a lot of people who find themselves in abusive relationships, I loved him hopelessly. As much as any 15-18 year old can know love. I was convinced that I could change myself to be that person he loved again. I was convinced I could change him to not be so quick to anger.

I convinced myself of a lot of things that still make me cringe and turn red with embarrassment. Please believe me that hind sight is 20/20, a lesson taught to me by one of my favorite history teachers. It was his response as to why people see things more clearly or differently after the fact than in the heat of the moment. Somewhere, another quote came to me when I needed it the most. It took a lot of time for it to sink in, and a lot of courage for me to finally cut him out of my life. I had tried before, just to go to being friends with him. This was a false hope. The only way to break that cycle is complete cut-off. The reason I can’t remember where this quote comes from is that I have literally dozens of notebooks, scraps of paper, journals, and files on my computer filled with quotes gathered over the past ten years of my life.

That quote was this: Love is unconditional, relationships are not. It rattled around in my head for a long time as I wrestled with exactly what it meant to me. And what I took from it was this: Yes, love is in fact unconditional. We don’t get to decide when it happens, where it comes from, who it applies to, nor how deeply it runs. It is something that exists beyond us, on another plane. Relationships are not unconditional. Ask anyone who’s ever been in one that has ended, from lovers to friends. They will all give you a reason. And most of the time will tell you that they are still in love or still love that person. Sometimes there are just parts of a relationship that we cannot handle. While this does not mean that we no longer love the person, it just means that we now realize it is not healthy for us to be a part of their life anymore.

From dirty socks and differences in politics, to lying and unfaithfulness, there are many conditions that define what you expect in a relationship. We all think that a failed relationship equals no longer loving that person but that is not the case. I think that line of thinking is what makes relationships, especially long ones, hard to walk away from. But it’s not love that has failed. There are some things that even love cannot change or conquer. You can love someone and realize that you can no longer live with them. You have to choose to let them go and love them from afar. And it hurts. Damn does it hurt. Usually. It hurt me to realize this, but the more he hurt me, the easier it made it. That breaking point is in different places for different people. I was lucky to realize mine before I fully committed my life to his.

Now, it has been nearly 7 years since we split. I do not talk to him, I have only seen him once (in a failed attempt to get my things back). I do not friend or follow him on facebook or any social media. His number is blocked from my phone and, to be honest, I no longer remember it though I once knew it like I knew my name. Now, I am seeing a pattern of a toxic relationship develop with someone close to me who I thought new this lesson. Unfortunately, they’ve been blinded to it by the beauty of the “honeymoon phase”. It frightens and angers me for this person because they’ve been through this before and deserve so much better. But that only served to remind me of another lesson. One that is just as hard for me to accept and follow.

“You cannot save people. Only love them.” I’m a nurturer. The Mother Goose. I want what’s best for the people I love and it’s hard for me to accept that sometimes I have to step back and let them make their own decisions and deal with the consequences that follow. My boyfriend actually reminded me of this one, which was slightly humbling because I’m the one who taught it to him. There comes a time when you are really going to hate a decision someone close to you makes. You’re going to think that you know that this decision is only going to get them hurt. But it is not our place to make decisions for others, it it only our job to love them. Sometimes you get presented with the ultimatum of accepting their decision and loving them, or losing them from your life. I learned a long time ago you can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be, or think that they need to be, saved. You’ve got to let people go their own way and just be there for them.

Simply another reminder that love is unconditional but relationships are not. Relationships are full of not only conditions but compromise. You have to decide, in every relationship, what compromises you are willing to make and what conditions are hard lines. Pick your battles. This is always complicated by love. It’s pretty good at blurring those lines. There is always going to be someone that comes along that you love so much you turn into a pirate, going, “Rules? I thought those were more guidelines…”. There’s always going to be an exception to your rules for some people. Trust me, I’ve met one that just broke every rule I’ve ever had about a person and I fell in love with him anyways. I was willing to throw everything away for him, and he knew it. I am lucky enough that he loved me enough to not let me do that.

So,thanks for hanging in there with me and letting me ramble on. I’m not really sure where I hoped this would go when I started, but I’m ok with how it turned out. And, dear readers, with all your loved ones, just remember that love comes in many shapes and forms, and just because you might not have a great relationship with someone doesn’t mean you can’t love them.

“Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck”

“Your heart is surrounded by cobwebs and dust, it hasn’t seen the light of love in years. your skin is painted with blue and green circles, and red lines going in all directions. this is the aftermath of strangers,  of friends, of family, who are tyring to claw their way into your cobwebbed heart. they tried knocking first but you slammed the door in their faces, as if they were a door-to-door salesman. it’s time. time to let them in, time to clear away the cobwebs and the dust. time to let the light in.” – a.y.

“you can always find something beautiful in something destructive and now I finally understand why I’ve always been so fond of you.”

” ‘The trick, kiddo,’ his mom replies slowly, ‘is finding someone who complements you instead of completes you. You need to be complete on your own.’ ”

“Darlin, forever is a long, long time, and time has a way of changing things.” – Big Mama The Fox & The Hound

” ‘You,’ he said, ‘are a terribly real thing in a terribly false world, and that, I believe, is why you are in so much pain.’ ” – Emilie Autumn, The Asylum for Wayward Victorian Girls

“I would have loved you with everything I have. But you didn’t want to be loved, turns out you just wanted to be fucked.”

“People have a habit of inventing fictions they will believe wholeheartedly in order to ignore the truth they cannot accept.” Libba Bray The Sweet Far Thing

“You can never really know someone completely. That’s why it’s the most terrifying thing in the world, really—taking someone on faith, hoping they’ll take you on faith too. It’s such a precarious balance, It’s a wonder we do it at all. And yet..” – Libba Bray

“I love you for who you are, not who the world thinks you should be.” – Libba Bray  Beauty Queens

“He admired my melancholy madness and said that it was graceful and beautiful. But it was neither of those things. I was a hurricane at the centre of a collapsing, burning, building; and I wasn’t someone to be admired at all.

“If there’s a thing I’ve learned in my life it’s to not be afraid of the responsibility that comes with caring for other people. What we do for love: those things endure. Even if the people you do them for don’t.”“I used to think that when people fell in love, they just landed where they landed, and they had no choice in the matter afterward. And maybe that’s true of beginnings, but it’s not true of this, now. I fell in love with him. But I don’t stay with him by default as if there’s no one else available to me. I stay with him because I choose to, every day that I wake up, every day we fight or lie to each other or disappoint each other. I choose him over and over again, and he chooses me.” – Allegiant

“I know that I am birdlike, made narrow and small as if for taking flight, built straight-waisted and fragile. But when he touches me like he can’t bear to take his hand away, I don’t wish I was any different.” – Insurgent

“The worst thing is watching someone drown and not being able to convince them that they can save themselves just by standing up.”

The Reality of Relationships

Hello again, dear readers. I apologize for being absent for a bit and not updating like I should. I know we’re right in the swing of Spring/Summer and people are getting the travel bug, even if it’s just for a weekend. I will try to get back on my regular blogging train this week (I’ve already got my post half written 🙂 ) but today is going to be a more personal post. If these aren’t your favorite, I do apologize but this is my blog. Feel free to skip this post and rejoin us Wednesday.

My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly six years. We’ve both had our share of shitty relationships before, just like anyone else. But together? We don’t really have any issues. Small fights, like what to have for dinner. Ya know, the same as any other couple. We also aren’t big into P.D.A. It isn’t my thing, and it isn’t his. We are comfortable in our relationship enough to not need to rub it in anyone faces. Sure, we kiss and hold hands in public, but we don’t paw all over each other like hormone crazed teenagers.

Now, this being said, I feel like we are unlike most couples in one way in particular. We have managed to see each other, even if it’s just for 30 minutes, every day since we started dating. No joke. While that can sound overwhelming, it really isn’t. There’s a comfortableness there for us both. We are at a point in our relationship where spending time together can mean he’s watching t.v. while I’m reading a book. We’ve been together for nearly 6 years and have been living together for nearly one year.

However, this weekend has changed that pattern. He was invited to go to Talladega with a friend of ours for his (our friend) bachelor weekend. So it is my boyfriend, our friend (the Bachelor), another mutual friend of ours, and a friend of the bride (and now the bachelor). All of the guys except the mutual friend have ladies. Please don’t think that this is going where you think it’s going. The guys left Saturday and are coming home Monday. They are staying in the Bachelor’s pull behind camper in one of the quieter campgrounds (from what I understand).

Now, in my past relationship, my ex was very possessive. He would have caused a huge blow up and ultimately broke up with me if I went to something like that with 3 of my friends. And if he didn’t (or probably even if he did), he would have texted and called me every few minutes. I don’t want to be like that. I want my boyfriend to have a good time with his friends. So, I kept my texting to a limited yesterday (unless he texted me first) and only called him when a slight family emergency arose (and only after texting asking him if it was ok to call because I didn’t know if he would be able to hear me, ect.) I don’t want him to feel like I’m trying to keep tabs on him.

However, it does mean that I had to stay alone last night for the first time in this new house. Now, I’ve stayed by myself before at my parent’s house when they were out of town, but I have not stayed in this new house alone. I thought I would be more ok with it than I was. The boyfriend had convinced me to borrow one of his father’s hand guns ( a .22) that would be easier for me to handle than his (a .45). After getting me to shoot it once (never fired a handgun before) he felt better about leaving me here alone. His dad sent me with 5 magazines, as if I was going to get into a shoot out at the O.K. corral!

That being said, last night was rough. I finally passed out in the living room around 2:30 this morning. I miss him terribly. I’m so used to him being here when I am, or at least just a text away. Now, he has told me that I can text him whenever, or even call him. Especially if I feel like I need him. I’ve been experiencing really  high levels of anxiety for some reason, lately. While he doesn’t quite get it (he is NOT an anxious person) he does know that it bothers me badly and he doesn’t want me to deal with it alone. He said not to feel bad about texting or calling him because the other two guys’ phones were blowing up.

But, I’m not going to bother him. One reason is, those guys already give him a hard time about not being able to do anything without me (mostly because we go everywhere together). I’m not going to give them another reason to give him a hard time about having a girl friend who can’t leave him alone for a few days. He is nice enough to call me in some down time, and I’m ok with that. It means that even though he’s having fun, I’m in the back of his mind. And not because I can’t quit texting him.

The reality of relationships is that while we get attached to that other person, we do not own them. We do not own every minute of their day, nor every thought that crosses their mind. And that’s ok. You aren’t supposed to  be someone’s everything. They should be complete on their own, and so should you. This makes both you, as an individual, and your relationship stronger. I think in a world of such advanced technology, we forget that. Having cell phones and social media makes it easier than ever to communicate with someone, as well as keep track of them. However, it also distracts that person you’re communicating with from what they are actually doing.

He has never been to a Nascar race. If I were to constantly be texting or calling him, or messaging him on facebook, it would pull his attention away from enjoying not only the race, but the company of his friends. He doesn’t care about Nascar (neither do I) but he went because of his friend. And it doesn’t mean that he shouldn’t get to enjoy and have the full experience while he’s there and I don’t feel like that would happen if I were constantly distracting him.

Trust your significant others. Trust them to go have experiences with friends other than you and trust that you are in their mind somewhere. Chances are they will thank you for it. They will have a much better experience, reconnect with friends (that they may not be as close to because of your relationship), and probably miss you more. Not to mention, it gives you time to do the same. Just trust them and trust yourself.

“A glass full of hope On a search for silver linings, Seeking meaning in the madness Of the things that dodge defining. Lifts the blindfold to find worth Depends entirely on yourself, Happiness is not the standard On which to judge everything else.” – e.h.

“And if we’re truly one, how will I breathe when circumstance pries us apart? You are my oxygen, my sustenance, the blood inside my veins. When we touch, you are my skin, hold all my joy inside of you. When you go, I wither.” – Ellen Hopkins Tricks

“Soul Mates                                                                                                                                                            I don’t know how it is that you are so familiar to me – or why it feels less like I am getting to know you and more as though I am remembering who you are. How every smile, every whisper, brings me  closer to the impossible conclusion that I have known you before, I have loved you before – in another time, a different place – some other existence.” – Lang Leav