A Year’s Worth of Reflections, Pt. 1

Hello dear readers.

I know this year has been sporadic in my posting of this blog, but it has been a long complicated year. I would say that I would like to leave many of the things that happened in 2017 in the past, but they have made impacts on my life, and the lives of my family and friends that we simply must move forward with them in tow.  I warn you that this will be a long, and probably depressing read, but I will also add some quotes at the end, as a way of apologizing. Just stick with me. This is part one, a lot of the bad and the painful that I would like to leave in 2017. Part two will be some of the better things, happier and joyful.

It has been a year of loss and pain, and yet a year of small victories and joy. In January, my maternal grandfather passed away at the age of 87, two weeks before what would have been my grandparents’ 66th wedding anniversary.  It is hard to say that it is ever a surprise when someone who has lived such a long life passes, but alas, death is one of those things for which we are never ready. It hit my mom really hard as she had quit her job to take care of my father but instead wound up taking care of her own father.

After her father’s passing, she went immediately to caring for my grandmother. As selfish as it is to say, my father’s health continued to suffer as a result. In May, she took my grandmother to the hospital due to a shortness of breath and a ever growing goiter. They discussed options for removing it, shrinking it, ect. In the end, the hospital decided to refer her to a throat cancer specialist at Emory because they would be more familiar with the type of surgery that would be required. This was sometime in June. The oncologist decided that further testing, such as further blood tests and a biopsy, were necessary to form a more detailed plan of action. In mid July, we received news we were not expecting.

My grandmother, at the age of 86, was diagnosed with stage 4 anaplastic thyroid cancer. Possibly due to not having the goiter removed years ago, but that is not a game worth playing. She was scheduled to start radiation on August 3rd, the day after my mother’s birthday. There was a large family fight because she was required to have a family member stay with her at the Hope Lodge (special housing near the hospital) round the clock. My mom wanted to go but I argued largely against it because my dad’s health was beginning to fail, more so than it already is.

August 2, my mother’s 61st birthday, changed that. My father, who is diabetic, on dialysis, has vision problems, and neuropathy, stepped off the stairs on their front porch wrong on his way to get in the car to dialysis. He broke his ankle, on both sides of his left leg. Being diabetic and on dialysis means that he does not heal quickly. My mom rushed him to the ER the next town over (because the hospital in our town will not touch a patient on dialysis – for any reason) where they splinted his ankle and scheduled him for surgery late the next day. I took off work to stay with my dad while my mom went with her mom for her first radiation treatment and to help move her and my aunt ( who took a temporary leave from work) into the Hope Lodge.

After the surgery for my dad, he didn’t quit using his foot. He couldn’t tell how much pressure he was putting on it because of the neuropathy. The screws pulled out and the plates bent. The options weren’t great after that. They really wanted the wounds to heal more before they went back in. Once they felt that happened as much as it could within the time they had, they went back in and removed the plates, screws, and a few bone shards. They then put a wound vac on it in order to try and speed healing for the next surgery.

In the midst of all this, my grandmother was still undergoing radiation. My mom made a few trips to go see her, while I stayed with my dad. One day, at dialysis, they discovered his fistula (the super vein created in his arm for dialysis) was clotted. They sent him to the vascular center the next town over. They attempted to clean the clots out, and sent him home. He begged them to admit him to the hospital because of the stress he would have to put on his arms getting in and out of the car.

When he got home, it was still bleeding slightly. As he got out of the car, he felt he popped one of the sutures. It began bleeding profusely. My mom couldn’t get him in the car by herself, so she was forced to call an ambulance to transport him to the hospital (the next town over of course). Unfortunately, the paramedics did what is their job, but not quite the correct course of action for this case. They applied pressure to stop the bleeding. Which, as we discovered when he got to the hospital, also reclotted the super vein. Which put him into a surgery that was several hours long. Once they got in to try to bust up the clots, the artificial vein basically disintegrated.

It had been in for three years, which is apparently pretty good, but it also meant that they had to do an emergency reconstruction instead of just cleaning the clots out. They also put a permacath in his chest so they could continue dialysis while his arm healed enough to use.

Meanwhile, my grandmother successfully completed her 6 weeks of radiation at Emory.  She was, understandably, glad to be home. However, my aunt, who had been staying with her at the hope lodge, started dragging her anywhere and everywhere she could think of, even though the doctors had prescribed lots of rest to help her recover from the radiation. I understand what she was trying to do, but my grandmother was visibly exhausted. We were still having problems keeping her blood pressure and sugar under control. A few weeks after she completed radiation, she had to go back to Emory for a check up/ PET scan. My mom and my aunt went with her.

Much to our dismay, the news wasn’t what we were hoping for. The cancer was still there, and there wasn’t much more they could do. The experimental trial they were hoping to get her into did not cover her type of cancer, so that was no longer an option. And, a few days after this, my aunt woke up to find my grandmother non-responsive. They rushed her to the hospital where options were discussed. The hospital where she was taken is where my aunt (my mom’s sister-in-law) has been a nurse for many years. The doctors informed us that there were medications they could give her that *might* help with a few things, like bringing her blood sugar into check, but not with everything. Her kids (my mom, aunt, and uncle) made the decision not to put her on life support or anything like that, to just wait and see. I rushed up there as soon as I could from work, and most of the family was already there.

It was heartbreaking, but to be honest with you, I think she was just tired. Sad and heart broken at the loss of the love of her life, tired of the radiation, and I think, when they told her she still had cancer and few options, she took that the only way she knew how. As God telling her that it was ok to let go, and that it was time. She passed away two days later, and I held my mother as she cried. Ugly tears of soul ripping sorrow. Tears of regret and sadness. Tears of love she still had to give. Tears for the phone call she now had to make to my brother, who moved to Seattle with his wife in March.

After her passing, they went to planning the funeral (which was paid for and mostly planned) and I went to finding flights home for my brother and sister-in-law. I know we do not get to plan things like life or death, but I do hate the fact that the funeral wound up on my brother and sister-in-law’s wedding anniversary.

In the midst of my grandmother getting out of the hospital and her passing, my father had more complications of his own. The wound vac was supposed to heal the wound so they could go in and either a) immobilize his ankle completely with a steel rod or b) amputate his ankle and foot. He and my mom had many many long talks about what would be better. He was leaning towards amputation but the doctor, after more reviewing, convinced him to at least give the immobilization a go. Well, home health had been coming out several times a week to change the wound vac, and one morning, it was full of blood, so full it was bubbling out the plastic dressing of the wound vac because the vac couldn’t keep up. Flash forward two more mornings of this and my mom called his surgeon. The assistant answered, and advised her to take my dad to the ER a town over (same town as earlier, different hospital) where the Dr was already in surgery and she would make sure he knew my dad was waiting to see him.

They immediately admitted him to the hospital with a possible infection. This began another worry of whether or not the infection was septic, which would mean surgery promptly to remove the permacath as it goes directly to his heart. After testing, it was determined that the infection was not in his blood, but was in the soft tissues of the wound. The prognosis was not good. Apparently, for otherwise healthy people, it takes two separate antibiotics, administered daily via IV at the hospital, for several months in the hope that the bacteria won’t become resistant to both of the drugs. For my father, who has many health problems, this was explained to him while also being told that it wasn’t really an option for them because they were afraid of the infection going septic or moving further up the tissue in his leg. He was advised that his best, and pretty much only option, was amputation.

That was on Friday. If that was what he decided, they were going to schedule the surgery for Monday because they felt time was of the essence. He told them to schedule it. He and my mother spent the weekend deep in discussion. While amputation had already been on the horizon, we didn’t think it would come up again so soon. The surgery was done Monday at noon. I left work to be with my mom, who can hold up a good front but was falling apart on the inside. Especially when the surgery took a few hours longer than they told us it would. And when they brought him out of recovery… well, let’s just suffice it to say that it was a long rough night for all of us.

My dad, surprisingly, was more prepared than my mom, I think. She was worried about how to get him places, like home and dialysis, and care for him, with the new change of events. Her car is not handicap friendly, they can’t afford one that is. She drives a 2010 Ford Focus that I had a trailer hitch and cargo carrier installed on so she could put his wheel chair on it. My boyfriend and I, and a friend of ours had built a handicap ramp on the side of the porch so she could get him in the house. We learned a lot about amputation and prosthesis the same way we learned about renal failure and dialysis, on the fly as it was happening. While he was in the hospital recovering from the amputation they went ahead and did a surgery on his opposite arm to try and form another super vein / fistula for dialysis. Unfortunately, this also meant he couldn’t start physical therapy as undo stress on the arm could cause the fistula to collapse or clot.

So, my mom gives him a hard time about adding Thanksgiving and their 35th wedding the anniversary to the days spent in the hospital this year. They sent him home with home health for 3 weeks to let the fistula heal. He went back in the hospital last week (Monday the week before Christmas) because he was wheezing and couldn’t breath. They discovered more fluid build up in his body and in his lungs. They did dialysis every day, and did CAT scans, x-rays, an EKG, an ultrasound of his heart and chest, and more. He was hooked up to a bipap, they are concerned with some spots in his lungs, decide it’s early pneumonia, and possibly COPD. They finally sent him home late Friday after taking a total of 17 liter of fluid off his body and running a round of antibiotics and such for the pneumonia.

While he was in the hospital, his other surgeon (for the fistula) told them Friday morning to try to use it for dialysis. Unfortunately, it didn’t work and we’re not sure where that leaves us. We aren’t sure if he used it too much (which is the more likely possibility), when another surgery will be, or what this means for him starting physical therapy. He did have an appointment to take out the rest of the stitches from his amputation and it *knock on wood* seems to be healing. I, however, am worried because he took out the part of the limb protector that forces him to keep his knee straight, keeping the tendon stretched. But, you can’t force people to do what’s best for them. Especially when that person is a parent. We will see where this all will lead, but that, for now, is a problem for next year.

End part 1. P.S. I also had all 4 wisdom teeth cut out the day after Christmas, which is why I have time to type this.


“The world is not a wish granting factory.” – The Fault In Our Stars

“Your speed doesn’t matter. Forward is forward.” – Unknown

“It seems to me, that love could be labeled poison and we’d drink it anyways.” – Atticus

“I sailed seas of emotion, to wander a forest of scars, I am a dance of Light and darkness, A galaxy of shadow and stars.” – R. Queen

“You spend your whole life stuck in the labyrinth, thinking about how you’ll escape one day, and how awesome it will be, and imagining that future keeps you going, but you never do it. You just use the future to escape the present.” – Looking For Alaska

“You will never recognize happiness if you have never danced the night away with sorrow.” – r.m. drake

“The world is indeed full of peril and in it there are many dark places. But still is fair there is much that is fair. And though in all the lands, love is now mingled with grief, it still grows, perhaps the greater.” – The Lord of the Rings

“You know what the issues is with this world? Everyone wants a magical solution to their problem, and everyone refuses to believe in magic.” – Alice in Wonderland

“People don’t like love, they like that flittery flirty feeling. They don’t love love – love is sacrificial, love is ferocious, it’s not emotive. Our culture doesn’t love love, it loves the idea of love. It wants the emotion without paying anything for it.” – Unknown

“It’s a beautiful thing to have lungs that allow you to breath air and legs that allow you to climb mountains, and it’s a shame that sometimes we don’t realize that that’s enough.” – unknown

“Damaged people love you like you are a crime scene before a crime has even been committed. They keep their running shoes besides their souls every night, one eye open in case things change whilst they sleep. Their backs are always tense as though waiting to fight a sudden storm that might engulf them. Because damaged people have already seen hell. And damaged people understand that every evil demon that exists down there was once a kind angel before it fell.” – Nikita Gill

“You come home, make some tea, sit down in your armchair, and all around there’s silence. Everyone decides for themselves whether that’s loneliness or freedom.” – Unknown

“When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don’t get to decide that you didn’t.” – Louis C.K.

“And then I felt sad because I realized that once people are broken in certain ways, they can’t ever be fixed, and this is something nobody ever tells you when you are young.” – Douglas Coupland Life After God

“Forgive them. All of your thems. The more thems you can forgive, the better you’ll feel.” – Karen Salmansohn

“Sometimes the fear won’t go away, so you’ll have to do it afraid.” – Unknown

“My love, you have too many smiles left in you to be so sad.” – Atticus

“Life advice: Always be the best person you can be. Be kind even when you’re tired. Be understanding even when you’re angry. Do more than you’re asked, and don’t ask for anything in return. Don’t silently expect anything either. Listen when someone talks, and really listen too, stop just thinking of how you’ll reply. Tell people that you love them and that you appreciate them. Go out of your way to do things for people. Be the greatest person you can possibly be and when you mess up, make up for it in the next moment or minute or day. One thing you should never do? Never spend your time trying to prove to anybody that you’re great, your actions will speak for themselves and we only have limited time on this earth, don’t waste it. If someone doesn’t see your light, don’t worry. Like moths, good people are attracted to flame and to light, and they will come.” – Unknown

“In order to love who you are, you cannot hate the experiences that shaped you.” – Andrea Dykrstra

“Sooner or later, everyone sits down to a banquet of consequences.” – Robert Louis Stevenson

“But the past cannot be changed, and we carry our choices with us, forward, into the unknown. We can only move on.” – Libba Bray The Sweet Far Thing

“We create the illusions we need to go on. And one day, when they no longer dazzle or comfort, we tear them down, brick by glittering brick, until we are left with nothing but the bright light of honesty. The light is liberating. Necessary. Terrifying. We stand naked and emptied before it. And when it is too much for our eyes to take, we build a new illusion to shield us from its relentless truth.” – Libba Bray The Sweet Far Thing

“The way sadness works is one of the strange riddles of the world. If you are stricken with a great sadness, you may feel as if you have been set aflame, not only because of the enormous pain but also because your sadness may spread over your life, like smoke from an enormous fire. You might find it difficult to see anything but your own sadness, the way smoke can cover a landscape so that all anyone can see is black. You may find that if someone pours water all over you, you are damp and distracted, but not cured of your sadness, the way a fire department can douse a fire but never recover what has been burnt down.” – Lemony Snickett The Bad Beginning

“You carry so much love in your heart. Give some to yourself.” – r.z.

” ‘You,’ he said, ‘are a terribly real thing in a terribly false world, and that, I believe, is why you are in so much pain.’ ” – Unknown

“There are two types of tired, I suppose. One is a dire need of sleep, and the other is a dire need of peace.” – unknown

” ‘You can’t love someone unless you love yourself first.’ Bullshit. I have never loved myself. But you, Oh God. I loved you so much I forgot what hating myself felt like.” – Unknown

“Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it.” – Harry Potter

“She knew she loved him when ‘Home’ went from being a place to being a person.” – E. Leventhal

“The sun will rise and we will try again.” – Unknown.


Medical Emergencies and Multiple Hospitals

*apologies, this was written Thursday Morning but I’m just getting around to posting it. I will update more later*

Here I am again dear readers. Unfortunately, events like this seem to be the only time I’m able to find enough free time to write. I’m sitting here in the floor, back against the wall, in a hospital room listening to my father and my boyfriend snore.

Life is a complicated animal. Much has happened, as is the case for everyone. But over the last few weeks, it’s been crazy. My grandmother went in the hospital for not being able to breathe. It went from her having a goiter on her windpipe and artery to her also having a very aggressive form of thyroid cancer. While trying to get everything scheduled for her to start radiation at Emory, my mom has also been trying to take care of my father.

Renal failure, diabetes, eye issues, neuropathy (to the point of not being able to feel in his hands and feet), and balance issues are just a few of the lovely things my father faces every day. It’s a constant battle. But, it gets better. Yesterday morning while my mom was getting ready to take my father to dialysis, he fell and broke his ankle. Pretty severely. It was also my mom’s birthday. And her mother was in the hospital due to severe fluid retention that turned out to be a blood clot in her leg.

Today, they managed to get my grandmother released from our local hospital but only to take her to Emory in Atlanta to begin her first day of radiation treatment. My dad is supposed to have surgery on his ankle today. My poor mom can’t be in both places. So I took the day off work to come watch over my dad.

It’s so hard to see him like this. Restless, in pain, and a shadow of his formal self. But this is life. It happens to all of us who are here long enough. And I know he hates for me to see him like this. But I guess we all come to a point where we have to bite our pride and accept the help of those who love us, regardless of the situation. So, while my mom drives to Atl with her sister-in-law and my grandmother, I am sitting here doing research for the coming days after surgery.

Planning to add a ramp to the stairs at my parents’ house. Looking up trailer hitch receivers and cargo trays for my mom’s car to carry a wheel chair for my dad and/or my grandmother. Planning food prep menus to help my parents when they’re exhausted but still need to follow dad’s dietary restrictions.

So many things to do. So little time. The curse of my life.

In these situations, with a loved one who’s health is chronically failing, it’s difficult to explain. People always ask me how he’s doing. It’s hard to say, isn’t it? It’s not like chemo, there is no fight and then remission. The only thing that helps renal failure is a transplant. And what can you tell someone then? He’s hanging in there waiting for  someone with a good kidney and pancreas to pass so he can have them? That, by the way, is not something people want to hear. It’s the truth, but people do not want the truth. Not the whole, unaltered truth that makes them uncomfortable. So I tell people the truest thing I can. He’s still here.

And for now, that’s all that matters.


” ‘ Some people don’t understand the promises they’re making when they make them.’ I said. ‘Right, of course. But you keep the promise anyway. That’s what love is. Love is keeping the promise anyway.’ ” – John Green, The Fault In Our Stars

“He admired my melancholy madness and said that it was graceful and beautiful. But it was neither of those things. I was a hurricane at the centre of a collapsing, burning, building; and I wasn’t someone to be admired at all.”

“Even if you know what’s coming, you ‘re never prepared for how it feels.” – Natalie Standiford

“You wake up every night to fight the same demons that left you so tired the night before, and that, my love, is bravery.” – unknown

“Well it breaks my heart to see you this way, The beauty in life where’s it gone? And somebody told me you were doing ok, somehow I guess they were wrong.” Flogging Molly “Whistles the wind”

“Don’t ever think you’re alone here, We’ve just been trapped in different hells, and people aren’t against you dear, they’re just all for themselves.” – e.h.

“May we exist like the lotus, at ease in muddy water.” – Zen proverb

“Keep your chin up little stargazer, At worlds above your own, You are small but you are stardust, And that’s worth more than you’ve known, For every sun and solar flare, Is made up just like you, And if they’re cause for wonder Then I promise you are too. Look out little stargazer ‘Til nothing’s left unseen, And know there’s not a patch of sky Where no one else’s eyes have been, That the darkness that enfolds you Holds countless other starlit hearts, And with this you stand together Though you live lifetimes apart. Be brave now little stargazer The sky is growing light, And courage wanes like moonbeams When it’s pulled out from the night, But like those who gazed before you; Know when your heart is full of fear, That it is always in your darkness That the stars start to appear.” -e.h.

“we mature with the damage, not with the years.” – Mateus William

“Enjoy every sandwich” – Warren Zevon

“I abide my heart to know wisdom, and to know madness and folly. I perceived that this is also a chasing at the wind. For in much wisdom is much grief. And he that increaseth knowledge, increaseth sorrow.” – Assassin’s Creed

“Empedocles claims that, in utero, our backbone is one long solid; and that through the constriction of the womb and the punishment of birth, it must be snapped again and again and again to form our verterbrae; that for the child to have a spine, it’s back must first be broken.” – The Astonishing Life of Octavian Nothing: Traitor to the Nation M.T. Anderson

“She looks back out the window and as the light slides along her profile, I think I see sadness. And I wonder if she’s sad that I’m so weak and so afraid when she’s always been so strong.” – The Forest of Hands and Teeth

“If I leave you it doesn’t mean I love you any less.” – Warren Zevon “Keep me in your heart.”

“Promise me you will not spend so much time treading water and trying to keep your head above the waves that you forget, truly forget, how much you have always loved to swim.” – Tyler Knott Gregson

“Take the night and darken everything around me, Call the clouds, and listen closely, I’m lost without you. Call your name everyday, when I feel so helpless, I’m fallen down but I’ll rise above this.” – Seether “Rise above this”

“We live in grim times indeed if even children are too world weary to believe in magic.” – Fable

“Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny.” – C.S. Lewis

“She’s all laid up in bed with a broken heart, while I’m drinking Jack all alone in a local bar. And we don’t know how, how we got into this mad situation, only doing things out of frustration, trying to make it work but man these times are hard.” – The Script “For the First Time”

“Mama whispered softly, time will ease your pain. Life’s about changing, nothing ever stays the same.” – Patty Loveless

“Life asked Death, ‘Why do people love me but hate you?’ Death responded, ‘ Because you are a beautiful lie, and I am a painful truth.’ ”

“But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines, it will shine out all the clearer.” – Samwise Gamgee “LOTR: The Two Towers” – J.R.R. Tolkien

“These are hard times. The world hurts. We live in fear and forget to walk with hope. But hope has not forgotten you. So ask it to dinner. It’s probably hungry and would appreciate the invitation.” – Libba Bray “Going Bovine”

“It’s not hard to do. It’s just not easy yet.” – Monte  Selby

“Life is a grindstone, and whether it grinds a man down or polishes him up depends on the stuff he’s made of.” – J. Billings

” ‘Sometimes,’ he said while gripping the fabric of his own pant leg, “You run out of tears long before you run out of hurt.’ ” – Tyler Knott Gregson

“Listen to the musn’ts child, listen to the don’ts , listen to the shouldn’ts, the impossibles, the won’ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me – anything can happen child, anything can be.” – Shel Silverstein

“I clutch my pillow to my chest and bury my face in it. I don’t cry. I just ache. Grief is not as heavy as guilt, but it takes more away from you.” – “Allegiant” Veronica Roth

“Needles and pins, needles and pins, sew me a sail, to catch me the wind. Sew me a sail, strong as a gale, carpenter bring out your, hammers and nails. Hammers and nails, hammers and nails, build me a boat, to go chasing the whales. Chasing the whales, sailing the blue, find me a captain, and sign me a crew. Captain and crew, captain and crew, take me oh take me, to anywhere new.” – Shel Silverstein

“She taught me all about real sacrifice. That it should be done from love… That it should be done from necessity, not without exhausting all other options. That it should be done for people who need your strength because they don’t have enough of their own.” – Veronica Roth Insurgent

“A nurse guy came in and told me I had to leave, that visitors weren’t allowed, and I asked if she was doing okay, and the guy said, “She’s still taking on water.” A desert blessing, an ocean curse. ” – John Green The Fault In Our Stars

“We all carry things inside us that no one else can see. They weigh us down like anchors, they drown us out at sea.” – Chelsea Smile Bring me the Horizion


Just An Update.

Well, it’s been a while, and life has gotten complicated…

Dad’s been doing ok on hemo dialysis as far as I know. At least, until about 3 weeks ago. He didn’t really have any nausea when he first started hemo, but it started kicking in intermittently after his sessions. About three weeks ago, it started being constant. He hasn’t really been able to eat anything due to it.

Yesterday, he had a minor eye surgery. A while back, he had an oil bubble put in his eye to help reattach his retina. The surgery yesterday was to remove it, because his retina has completely reattached. He wasn’t looking forward to it because he remembered waking up as they made the first incision in the first surgery. Yesterday was the same.

After he got home, he started getting really sick and throwing up uncontrollably. Because he hasn’t been able to keep much food down, he’s mostly dry heaving. My mom rushed him to our local ER (who won’t normally even speak to dialysis patients) and the doctors wouldn’t really listen when he tried to tell them this has been an ongoing problem for a few weeks. They told him that it was simply post-op anxiety. His oxygen level was also constantly fluctuating between 98 and 78. My mom said the machine beeped every time it dropped, and beeped so much that it finally shut itself off. No nurses ever came to check on it or him, which tells you something about the hospital in our town.

My mom called his regular dr who prescribed another anti-nausea med and an anti-anxiety med to help him sleep. After a few more episodes of dry heaving, he finally got to sleep last night. He had to be back at the eye dr this morning for a check up. They didn’t see anything wrong with his eye from the surgery. He was supposed to go to dialysis today as well, but was so sick that he didn’t go.

My mom received a phone call later in the day from a very concerned dialysis tech. Over the past two weeks, his hemoglobin levels have dropped from a 10.2 to 8.2. Now, anemia is very common for dialysis patients from what I understand. The kidneys produce a hormone called erythropoietin (EPO) which helps tell your bone marrow to make red blood cells. This helps keep you well oxygenated. He has been on a specialized Iron supplement since he started dialysis, as well as being given EPO shots as needed. Even with the EPO, his hemoglobin has dropped significantly over the last two weeks.

The tech wants my mom to take him to the hospital the next town over (where he’s spent much of his time, as well as had his surgeries done) and have blood tests ran immediately. I’m hoping that she will convince him to go in the morning and that they will be able to figure out what the problem is.  I’m hoping that his hemoglobin levels being low is the cause of his sudden severe nausea and the returned shortness of breath. It would also explain the drop in oxygen levels, I would think.

I have read that in addition to the EPO, a blood transfusion may be required. Unfortunately, he had to have two when they created his fistula. The problem with this is that his blood type is kind of rare. He is B-. Only 2% of the population is B-, according to the Red Cross. Not to mention, they told us last time that he has some rare antigens. They were also cautious about the blood they gave him because he is diabetic and on dialysis. I am very worried for the future…

On the plus side, Honey and I got approved to buy a house, so on top of all this, we are trying to look at houses after work. Too bad it starts getting dark about the time I get off work.

Be well, dear readers. May the new year bring you more joy than the previous.

We’re All Mad Here.

Pretty sure I’m fighting off some serious depression. I mean, things aren’t nearly as bad as they could be but I honestly think it’s a result of feeling like we are taking one step forward and three steps back. Good news of the day: Dad should be able to start using his fistula Monday. The graft seems to be working. The bad news: One of the incisions from the surgery to (put in, originally) take out his PD catheter seems to be getting infected again… So the Doc immediately prescribed him Bactrim. Again. Hopefully this time it works. The last thing he, or his spirit, needs right now is another hospital stay…

I just want to feel like we are actually moving forwards for once. No more back sliding, no side stepping, just forward momentum. I don’t even really care how slowly it goes, as long as it doesn’t go backwards. I just want him to genuinely feel better, my mom to not feel so stressed, and things to start smoothing out to what will become our new normal.

Right now though, this house is about as far from normal as it gets. My dad is on dialysis (and we are adjusting to Hemo from PD), he’s also diabetic, my mom is in denial and works swing shifts, my brother and his wife (now, long story) still live here (still following Mom’s rule of her sleeping in the spare room, him on the living room couch), and I still live here. It’s over crowded to say the least and personalities and such are clashing like you would not believe. All I want is a small piece of land and a tiny house. A sanctuary in the woods that Honey and I can call home, and a life that is my own. But these days, even that seems too much to ask for.

So, I am trying for now to have a new outlook on things. I am trying to let go of any anger or grudges, realizing that there is pain underneath. I have been trying to come to terms with the fact that while someone hurts us and it stays with us, they do not always realize that they wounded us as deeply as they did. So I am trying to forgive because really, forgiveness has more to do with me than them. It takes all my time and energy, especially if they don’t feel or know that they did anything wrong.

“Don’t feel bad if people only remember you when they need you. Feel privileged that you are like a candle that comes to their mind when there is darkness.”

“She needs to have a few drinks and cry a little – then she’ll be perfect.” – Tom Ford

“Expecting a trouble-free life because you are a good person is like expecting the bull not to charge you because you are a vegetarian.” – Jeffery R. Holland

“I’m not interested in competing with anyone. I hope we all make it.” – Erica Cook

“I have looked at you in millions of ways and I have loved you in each.”

“A lot of problems in the world would disappear if we talked to each other instead of talk about each other.”

“Show respect even to people who don’t deserve it; not as a reflection of their character, but as a reflection of yours.” – Dave Willis

“Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny.” – C.S. Lewis

“I wear this crown of thorns upon my liar’s chair, full of broken thoughts I cannot repair. Beneath the stains of time, the feelings disappear. You are someone else, I am still right here. What have I become, my sweetest friend? Everyone I know goes away in the end. And you could have it all, my empire of dirt. I will let you down, I will make you hurt.” – Hurt, Johnny Cash

“You take the breath right out of me, and left a hole where my heart should be.” – Breath  Breaking Benjamin

“Yeah, I could use a dream or a genie or a wish to go back to a time much simpler than this.” Airplanes,  B.O.B.

“She’s all laid up in bed with a broken heart, while I’m drinking Jack all alone in the local bar. And we don’t know how, how we got into this mad situation, only doing things out of frustration, trying to make it work but man these times are hard.” – For the First Time The Script

“Meet me out past the train tracks, I’m leaving and not coming back. You were right and I was wrong, this town will be the downfall of us all.” The Downfall of Us All A Day to Remember

“I abide my heart to know wisdom, and to know madness and folly. I perceive that this also was a chasing at the wind. For in much wisdom, is much grief. And he that increaseth knowledge, increaseth sorrow.” – Assassin’s Creed

“None of us find as much kindness in this life as we should.” Memoirs of a Geisha