Hello dear readers! I apologize for the missed post last week. It’s been a little crazy. Long story short, we became dog parents again. I had a post ready last year and never posted it, about losing my rescued stray … Continue reading
Grief is a strange thing. It is even more strange when it is not ours to bear nor to fix. A dear friend of ours suffered much grief in 2018 and it weighs heavy on him. His is not only born of the death of friends but also by loss. By watching someone live their life while knowing you can no longer be part of it.
I have to remind myself constantly that we are not in charge of the lessons others are here to learn. And learning how to deal with grief is certainly one of those lessons we all must learn, and learn alone. Unfortunately for our friend, his “dealing” with it is to not deal with it at all. I think this is a common thread for men of the South or those raised to be strong “manly” men.
They seem to basically be taught not to cry and men are only allowed to feel 3 things: happiness, love (but you cant show too much of it), and anger. Sadness and grief aren’t part of that equation. I’ve seen many times the men I love try to handle these emotions they don’t know how to handle because they aren’t “supposed” to have them. My boyfriend’s brother was like this at the loss of his mother. It didn’t come as sadness at first. It came as anger. And as the emotions set in and the dust settled, he admitted that he’s angry because he wants to blame someone and unlike losing friends and comrades in the war, he has no one to blame here. He deals with sadness by burning it out with rage.
Our friend I mentioned earlier has dealt with it as many of us do. By simply keeping himself so busy he doesn’t have the quiet moments where it can set in. By drinking so much that he blacks out. Or by drinking so much that the grief spills out anyways, especially in those moments where something reminds him of friends he will never see again. That is to say, he handles it by not handing it at all.
We are doing our best to help him. But it’s so hard to convince someone that putting it off only makes it worse when you finally do feel it. The boyfriend and I know this as anyone does. As our friend probably does too but can’t realize it right now. We are not perfect with grief either. I’m still mourning in bits of losing my dog of 10+ years and she’s been gone for nearly a year. I am still dealing with the loss of my grandparents and they’ve been gone a while. But I know that even if you do it in small batches, you have to sit with your grief and accept it piece by piece.
I know I have larger grief coming down the pipeline. I’m daily with it daily, a little more than most. My father is on dialysis. He has been for 5 years. He’s diabetic. He has been for around 35 years. He’s in congestive heart failure, which knocked him off any possible transplant list for a kidney. He’s lost a leg due to an infection that affects the soft tissue of your muscle. He has major neuropathy (how he broke his ankle) and can literally slice his finger to the bone and not feel it. He doesn’t follow his diet as he should.
I’m not stupid, and I’m not in denial. I know that if my father is still here in 10 years, it will be a miracle. I know he will probably not be able to walk me down the aisle or dance with me at my wedding, if he’s there at all. I know it will and does destroy my mother. It breaks my heart every day. Some days, I sit with my grief, hoping that when the day comes, this will somehow lessen the pain. Some days I shove it deep down, far away and refuse to even acknowledge it.
So, if you or someone you know is grieving, please be careful. Take care of yourself and those you love. Sit with grief a while, and then get up and move on. Be well, kind readers.
- “Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All of that unspent love gathers in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in the hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.” – Jamie Anderson
- “Love is a poison. A sweet poison, yes. But it will kill you all the same.” – Game of Thrones by George R. R. Martin
- “You will find that it is necessary to let things go; simply for the reason they are heavy.”
- “There are so many things on your plate right now, and a whole lot of things left to figure out, but if ever for a moment you start to feel like you cannot continue, take a deep breath, reflect, and remember just how far you’ve come.” – Morgan Harper Nichols
- “And like the moon, we must go through phases of emptiness to feel full again.”
- ” Now, every time I witness a strong person, I want to know: What dark did you conquer in your story? Mountains did not rise without earthquakes.” – Katherine MacKennett
- “some memories never leave your bones. like salt in the sea; they become part of you. – and you carry them”
- “And at some point, everything needs to be left alone. Even your past. Even your pain.”
- “It will come when your heart is ready to carry it.”
- “We are all broken. That’s how the light gets in.” – Hemmingway
- “There’s an old saying, ‘That what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” I don’t believe that. I think the things that try to kill you make you angry and sad. Strength comes from the good things – your family, your friends, the satisfaction of hard work. Those are the things that’ll keep you whole. Those are the things to hold onto when you’re broken.” – Sons of Anarchy
- “A true outlaw finds the balance between the passion in his heart and the reason in his mind.” – Sons of Anarchy
- “Some walks you have to take alone.” – Suzanne Collins
- “make peace with your broken pieces.” – r.h. sin
- “So many years of education yet no one taught us to love ourselves.”
- “But I must admit I miss your quite terribly. The world is too quiet without you nearby.” – Lemony Snickett
- “The reality is you will grieve forever. You will not “get over” the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same again. Nor should you be the same. Nor should you want to.” – Elizabeth Kubler-Ross
- “I have learned that when sadness comes to visit me, all I can do is say ‘I see you’. I spend time with it, get up, and say goodbye. I don’t push it away. I own it. And because I own it, I let it go.” – Carolina Zacaria
- “Grief is a most peculiar things; we’re so helpless in the face of it. It’s like a window that will simply open of its own accord. The room grows cold, and we can do nothing but shiver. But it opens a little less each time, and a little less; and one day we wonder what has become of it.” – Memoirs of a Geisha by Arthur Golden
- “we use every bullet we’ve ever taken to the heart to shoot down anyone who tries to love us again. That’s the trouble with humans; we never see when the war has ended.” – Erin Van Vuren
- “Jesus told the story of the Prodigal Son to make a simple point: no matter what you’ve done, just – come home.” – Unka Glen
- ” ‘ Why did you do all this for me?’ he asked. ‘ I don’t deserve it. I’ve never done anything for you.’ ‘You have been my friend,’ replied Charlotte. ‘That in itself is a tremendous thing.’ ” – E.B. White, Charlotte’s Web
- “”Sometimes words are not enough.” – Lemony Snickett
- “The world is indeed full of peril and in it there are many dark places. But still there is much that is fair. And though in all lands, love is now mingled with grief, it still grows, perhaps, the greater.” – J.R.R. Tolkien
- “How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.” – Winnie the Pooh
- “Mostly it is loss which teaches us about the worth of things.”
- “the process of healing does not end when the wounds are no longer visible. – it ends when the wounds no longer ache.”
- “and then I felt sad because I realized that once people are broken in certain ways, they can’t ever be fixed, and this is something nobody ever tells you when you are young.” Life After God by Douglas Coupland
- “Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it.” – Albus Dumbledore
- “You wake up every morning to fight the same demons that left you so tired the night before, and that, my love, is bravery.”
- “Just like the loss of love, it ain’t the bullet that kills you — it’s the open space it leaves behind.” – Michael Xavier
- “Sometimes, he said while gripping tight the fabric of his own pant leg, ‘ you run out of tears long before you run out of hurt.’ – Tyler Knott Gregson
- “As long as I kept moving, my grief streamed out behind me like a swimmer’s long hair in water. I knew the weight was there but it didn’t touch me. Only when I stopped did the slick, dark stuff of it come floating around my face, catching my arms and throat till I began to drown. So I just didn’t stop.” – Barbara Kingslover
- ” ‘I want to weep,’ she thought. ‘I want to be comforted. I’m so tired of being strong. I want to be foolish and frightened for once. Just for a small while, that’s all… a day… an hour…’ One day, she promised herself as she lay abed, one day she would allow herself to be less than strong. But not today. It could not be today.” – A Clash of Kings, George R. R. Martin
- “mama said there’d be days like this.”
I’ve been doing some observing lately, as well as some thinking. There are some interesting situations around me that have allowed me to look in from the outside and think of some things in my own life. I have decided that a very large issue for a lot of things in this life is peoples’ inability to take responsibility, be honest, and communicate.
As adults, there’s no reason we shouldn’t be able to be honest and communicate with each other. But there is. People get defensive and other people don’t want to step on feelings. While I understand this, I have learned the hard way that communication and a few hurt feelings is much better than how you feel under the pressure and weight of things not said.
My family is not one of these families. They don’t communicate well. They communicate like most people: in a round about way and to everyone except the person they should be speaking with. It causes a lot of issues and usually makes a big scene when things come out in the open and every one knows both sides except the two people involved. They also dont want to take responsibility for the chance that any issues might be partly their fault. It’s so much like high school that it makes me sick to my stomach. This isn’t how adults should act.
I’ve also been observer to a few relationships struggling and falling apart currently because of this. I don’t understand someone who’s been married for many years, has kids, and has been through rough patches before speaking about their situation with everyone but their spouse. Especially if it’s to the point that you aren’t questioning anything other than the morality of leaving this person when you’re the “bread winner”. Yet you haven’t told your spouse how you’re feeling?
This is your team mate, your partner. You yoked your oxen to their wagon a long time ago. In this day and age, I feel like it’s really easy for people to decide divorce. You get attention from facebook, instagram, whatever, and forget what you married that person for. If you’re no longer happy in your relationship, I feel like you owe it to the other person to have this conversation with them first (whether or not you’re married, have kids, ect.) instead of spreading your business everywhere else. You owe them honesty. It isn’t cheap and it isn’t easy, but you owe it to them. Especially if you have decided nothing can be done.
Not to mention, if you go through talking to everyone else about this person or that person, or ending your relationship, and then you actually speak with the person (or don’t) and decide they’re you’re friend again or that your relationship is worth saving, you’ve already done some permanent damage. Your friends and family now have a tainted view of that person or relationship, and while you might let it go, the chances are that they won’t.
It’s time. Time to grow up. To do the difficult thing. Even if you’re afraid (of hurting someone’s feelings, of starting over, whatever it may be), do it afraid. You owe it to yourself to take care of yourself. And you owe it to those you love and care about to be honest with them, to have the hard conversations. It’s part of life and part of being an adult.
I’ve been pretty fortunate in my relationship to be able to communicate (in this relationship). I learned from the last one. That’s not to say I don’t pick my battles, only that I learned I can’t bottle things up just to avoid conflict. We’ve certainly had our arguments. Those gut-wrenching, tear stained, yelling matches that you can’t even remember what started the fight at the end of it. Those that just end with the two of you questioning where you go from here. But in eight and a half years, we’ve learned better ways to communicate with each other. It isn’t perfect, but it’s progress.
The boyfriend and I listen to a podcast from MeatEater and the host, Steven Rinella, is always messing with his guests and encouraging them to get married if they aren’t. Which seems unusual for a hunting and primarily male based podcast. But I find it endearing and wonderful to listen to him talk about how his wife is the best thing to ever happen to him. He also says in one podcast that the vest marriage advice he ever got was to pause the argument and say decide how much something matters to you. Are you fighting because you’re defensive or is it actually something that really matters to you?
So apparently, in the middle of a disagreement with his wife, either of then will just say “pause” and a number ranking on a scale of one to ten how important something is to them. Something might be a 4 to him but an 8 to his wife (like what color to paint the kitchen cabinets) and it allows them to make a compromise that leaves them both happy and understanding how important something is to the other. So, be gentle but learn to communicate with those around you. And while you’re at it, learn to compromise sometimes too.
I apologize for the absence. Again. I have several posts in the pipe line but haven’t found the time to finish any of them just yet. So, I’m instead going to offer up some quotes, as per my usual mood when I feel the need to write but can’t get my own words down. For those of you who do not like these posts, I apologize. For those of you who do, you’re welcome.
“But my heart it is brighter than all of the many stars in the sky.” Edgar Allen Poe, For Annie
“How quietly we endure all that falls upon us.” Khaled Hosseini A Thousand Splendid Suns
“All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.” J.R.R. Tolkien
“The world is indeed full of peril and in it there are many dark places. But there is much that is fair. And though in all lands, love is now mingled with grief, it still grows, perhaps, the greater.” J.R.R. Tolkien
“I have noticed that when all the lights are on, people tend to talk about what they are doing – their outer lives. Sitting round in candlelight or firelight, people start to talk about how they are feeling – their inner lives. They speak subjectively, they argue less, there are no longer pauses. To sit alone without any electric light is curiously creative. I have my best ideas at dawn or at nightfall, but not if I switch on the lights – then I start thinking about projects, deadlines, demands, and the shadows and shapes of the house become objects, not suggestions, things that need to be done, not a background thought.” – Why I adore the night ( Jeanette Winterson)
“Give your daughters difficult names. Give your daughters names that command the full use of tongue. My name makes you want to tell me the truth. My name doesn’t allow me to trust anyone that cannot pronounce it right.” – Warsan Shire
“This life is filled with goodbyes; but not all are bad. Some simply bid farewell to the things that are toxic to us. – M. Triea
“And if I asked you to name all the things that you love, how long would it take for you to name yourself?”
“Getting your shit together requires a level of honesty you can’t even imagine. Ain’t nothing easy about realizing you’re the one that’s been holding you back this whole time…that your lack of discipline is the answer to some of those, why not me, questions you ask.”
” ‘If one day you wake up and you no longer care about me,’ she says, ‘say so over our morning coffee and I will let you leave.’ ‘I will not ask you why. I will not ask you to stay one more night. I will give you a small smile to say that it is okay and that people lose feelings for all sorts of reasons and that I will survive.’ ‘If it comes to it,’ she says, ‘just say so. You should stay because you want to. You should leave if you need to.’ ” – S.Z.//Excerpt form a book I’ll never write # 131
” ‘I am tired,’ she says, ‘and it is so awfully difficult to feel sad and tired when all you want is to feel alive.’ ” – Excerpt from a book I’ll never write # 84
“There’s two things I judge harshly on. The inability for one to admit when they are wrong, and the lack of courage to say I’m sorry. That tells me all I need to know. Because we are all wrong at some point, but not all of us are sorry.” – JmStorm
“respect your exes. You shared time. You shared energy. Have respect for them. Don’t talk about them like you didn’t choose to be in their presence daily.” – Slyvester McNutt III, Lust for Life
“Sadly, too many of us stay together far longer than we should because it is easier to say, I love you, than it is to say, I don’t.” – Beau Taplin Love you anymore
“Do not look for healing at the feet of those who broke you.”
“I’m not choosing you because our being together makes sound, solid sense. I choose you because you make me forget there’s a choice.” Beau Taplin Sound Solid Sense
“She’s an old soul whose heart speaks an all but forgotten language.” – JmStorm
“One of the most troublesome things in life is that what you do or do not want has very little to do with what does or does not happen.” – Lemony Snickett
“We are not in control of what lessons others are here to learn.”
^^^This one above has been my mantra for days. :(^^^
“You can’t pour from an empty cup. Take care of yourself first.”
“Not all of us can do great things. But we can all do small things with great love.” – Mother Teresa
“She’s known sadness and it’s made her kind.”
“When you are ready for fireworks instead of sparklers, I will come for you.” – Erin Van Vuren
“To all who walk the dark path and to those who walk in the sunshine but hold out a hand in the darkness to travel beside us, Brighter days are coming. Clearer sight will arrive, and you will arrive too. No, it might not be forever. The bright moments might be for a few days at a time. But hold on for those days. Those days are worth the dark.” – Jenny Lawson Furiously Happy
“I wish someone had told me this simple but confusing truth: Even when everything’s going your way you can still be sad. Or Anxious. Or uncomfortably numb. Because you can’t always control your brain or your emotions even when things are perfect.” – Jenny Lawson Furiously Happy
“Boys learn too late that being ‘the man’ is not the same thing as being ‘a man’.” – Atticus
“Sometimes, it doesn’t work out with someone because they’re a piece of shit, who deserves a piece of shit, and you’re not a piece of shit.” – loyalgirlnotes
“We have calcium in our bones, iron in our veins, carbon in our souls, and nitrogen in our brains. 93 percent stardust, with souls made of flames, we are all just stars that have people names.” – Nikita Gill
“What’s comin’ will come and we’ll meet it when it does.” – Rubeus Hagrid Harry Potter
“No one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of another.” – Doctor Marigold Charles Dickens
“I cannot promise I will never become restless, that I won’t ache in ways you don’t know how to help. There are clouds in me and they roll in from time to time, I hope you learn to love the dark mornings, instead of always fumbling around for your umbrella.” – Tyler Knott Gregson
“I don’t care if I fall in love with a devil as long as that devil will love me the way he loves hell.”
“It is no bad thing to celebrate a simple life.” – J.R.R. Tolkien
“You can’t love her half-way any more than you can half-jump from an airplane. You are either all in or standing on the ground wondering what it would be like to fly. To experience her, she demands all of you, because she will give you all of her. She deserves no less. If you want to know the exhilaration, then you will have to soldier-up and take the plunge. History has never been made by the meek.” – wyatt
“As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others.” – Audrey Hepburn
“the rain falls for you the same way I do: unapologetically, over and over.” – s.r.w.
“my beautiful lover, he’s a complicated mess: of hidden muscles and sinews that pull the world’s weight; and a skin so smooth his tears roll off it like pearls over marble; my quiet lover, he’s a self-made mystery: of destroyed family portraits and broken glass, i can hear the crunching sound every time he clenches his gloved hands, my broken lover, he’s a system of failing organs and collapsing worlds: of purple galaxies that look a lit like bruises, his father’s beliefs printed on his back like the rawest, reddest form of education, of heirlooms that much be kept in secret and eyes like polished serpentine, but my lover walks like a general and thinks like a king; ambition shining in those bright green pools like jewels. and i’ll admit: it only took me an eternity to realize i was in love with a tragedy.” – boys like him are made of wounds
“the child who is not embraced by the village will burn it down to feel its warmth.” – African proberb
“You remember too much, my mother said to me. Why hold onto all that? And I said, where do i put it down?” – The Glass Essay Anne Carson
“Just because they’re in your circle, doesn’t mean they’re in your corner.”
“The trick is that as long as you know who you are and what makes you happy it doesn’t matter how others see you.”
“But I must admit I miss you quite terribly. The world is too quiet without you nearby.” – Lemony Snicket
“I promised myself I would never fall in love with you. But it was 4 am, and we were laughing way too hard, and I felt happy for the first time in a long time, and I knew I was screwed.”
“She stepped on the stars like skipping stones Searching for her way back home.” – S.L.
“Ah, kindness. What a simple way to tell another struggling soul that there is love to be found in this world.”
“It’s up to you to change ‘generational narratives’: When they tell you this ‘runs in the family’ you tell them, ‘this is where it runs the fuck out.’ “
Ah summer. Currently here on North Georgia, it is hot. It is also rainy. It’s been raining for a week straight pretty much. There’s a lot of flooding all around us. But, thankfully today IS sunny. For now.
There’s a chance of rain today but we are out on our bike today in support of our community for a poker run. This is a lot of how we (both the boyfriend and I and the majority of the biker community) spend weekends the majority of the year.
Today we’re supporting a fellow rider who lost his leg in an accident and is currently fighting for insurance to pay. Sometimes it’s in support of sick children or people we don’t even know. Because it doesn’t matter if we know them, it only matters that they need help.
Most of us in this life in general know how hard life can get and personally, when we have enough we try to help those around us. It helps us, spiritually, to help those around us. We’re doing our own benefit in July for St. Jude’s and hope our community will come out.
So, if you have enough in your bowl, check your neighbors to see if they have enough. And if they don’t, help them out a little. The benefits might surprise you.
Welcome dear readers! This is gonna be a short, personal post followed by some love quotes since today is Valentine’s Day! Now, I know you may be thinking, but the title says you don’t celebrate it. And you’re right. We don’t. But hear me out.
Valentine’s Day is a largely corporate holiday. It just it. It has deeper roots, but honestly, can you name them? Probably not. Because now it’s all about how much a guy does for his lady. Send flowers to her work, get her chocolates, plan a fancy dinner. It’s like a competition for who does the most for their lady. And I’m not ok with that. I know some girls who have broken up with their boyfriends because he either didn’t get them anything for Valentine’s Day or didn’t “do enough”. Seriously? What did you do for him for Valentine’s Day? Nothing. But I digress.
The boyfriend and I don’t celebrate it. I do NOT want to be part of this “competition” it creates about who buys more or does more for their significant other. It’s not ok. And I would much rather have many small random acts of love through out the year than one day of large gestures that he feels obligated to give me because of social norms. Sometimes, just when I feel like he’s getting away with not doing any gestures of love, he surprises me with something small that just reminds me that he thinks about me more than I give him credit for. And I try to do the same for him. Sometimes it’s just bringing home his favorite candy bar when I know he’s had a rough day at work And to me, that’s what love is. Small, every day gestures. Not one day filled with large gestures. But, to each their own.
- “I was waiting for the longest time, she said. I thought you forgot. It is hard to forget, I said, when there is such an empty space when you are gone.” – unknown
- Stardust – “If you came to me with a face I have not seen, with a voice I have never heard, I would still know you. Somewhere between the sand and the stardust, through ever collapse and creation, there is a pulse of you and I. When we leave this world, we give up all our possessions and our memories. Love is the only thing we take with us. It is all we carry from one life to the next.” – Lang Leav Memories
- “What a sad thought it is, that some of us will surrender and settle down long before we have met the person we are supposed to love.” – Beau Taplin The Pressure
- “I know I’m not easy to love. I’m a chronic over-thinker, I overreact more than I should… And every once in a while, I might be a little insecure. But if I am in love with you, I can promise you wholeheartedly that you will be loved with so much passion and intensity that you’ll forget what life felt like before I came along. You will always be cared for and you will always have someone in your corner. Maybe I’m not the best at being loved – but I like to think I’m pretty good at loving.” – Chelsea Carroll
- “People don’t like love, they like that flittery flirty feeling. They don’t love love – love is sacrificial, love is ferocious, it’s not emotive. Our culture doesn’t love love, it loves the idea of love. It wants the emotion without paying anything for it.” – unknown
- “Someone can be madly in love with you and still not be ready. They can love you in a way you have never been loved and still not join you on the bridge. And whatever their reasons you must leave. Because you never ever have to inspire anyone to meet you on the bridge. You never ever have to convince someone to do the work to be ready. There is more extraordinary love, more love that you have never seen, out here in this wide and wild universe. And there is the love that will be ready.” – Nayyirah Waheed
- “I can say with great certainty and absolute honesty that I did not know what love was until I knew what love was not.” – P.T. Berkey
- “It is a frightening thought, that in one fraction of a moment you can fall in the kind of love that takes a lifetime to get over.” – Beau Taplin
- ” ‘ You can’t love someone unless you love yourself first.’ Bullshit. I have never loved myself. But you… Oh god, I loved you so much I forgot what hating myself felt like.” – My thoughts before I go to sleep.
- “She reminded him of happiness, he reminded her of home; together, they were happy and at home.” unknown
- “A relationship works best when both people believe they have got better than they deserve.” – unknown
- “Sometimes, I think of the sun and the moon as lovers who rarely meet, always chase, and almost always miss one another. But once in a while, they do catch up, and they kiss, and the world stares in awe of their eclipse.” – unkown
- “It’s somewhat early and she’s fast asleep. It doesn’t bother me because I know that there’s been times she’s laid awake at night unable to find sleep, no longer familiar with what it meant to find rest. The moment she laid on top of me, her head against my chest, her ear to my heart, I ran my fingers through her hair and felt her thighs loosen, symbolic for how relaxed she’d become. Even when her days are chaotic, she comes home to me and I help her find peace. This is love.” – r.h. Sin
- “When you fall in love, it is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake, and then it subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the desire to mate every second of the day. It is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every part of your body. No don’t blush. I am telling you some truths. For that is just being in love; which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away.” – Captain Corellis Mandolin
- “you can always find something beautiful in something destructive and now I finally understand why I’ve always been so fond of you.” – uknown
- “I think I fall in love with people a little too much, just in the way they sound at 4 am or how they look when they smile. And it’s so addicting, when their eyes light up, because you’ve remembered something they may have said. I think I grow attached to people, who I know, will leave. But I can’t help it, because I see all that you are, when you don’t really see it yourself. And sometimes I wonder how someone’s heart, grows so cold, and I think, that maybe it’s because for a while, it was left out in the rain. You know some days I struggle, when there’s nothing left to say, because I still don’t know how to convince you, that out of everyone, and all the ones that leave, I’m always the one still standing there, with an umbrella, just big enough, to cover your heart.” – c.p.
- “She knew she loved him when home went from being a place to being a person.” – E Leventhal
- “I will never be the first of so many things for you. I came too late, after life and love were woven into the tapestry of your existence. I care not about lost firsts, but I will fight, knuckles bloody and teeth sharpened, for your lasts. Take the old firsts and put them to rest, silent below the dirt and ash of all the new ones we will burn through. Take them, but give me the lasts.” – Tyler Knott Gregson
- “and in the end, we were all just humans, drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness.” – F. Scott Fitzgerald
- “I don’t ask you to love me always like this, but I ask you to remember. Somewhere inside of me there will always be the person I am tonight.” – F. Scott Fitzgerald Tender Is The Night
- ” ‘The trick, kiddo,’ his mom replies slowly, ‘is finding someone who complements you instead of completes you. You need to be complete on your own.” – unknown
- “I asked him for it. For the blood, for the rust, for the sin. I didn’t want the pearls other girls talked about, or the fine marble of palaces, or even the roses in the mouth of servants. I wanted pomegranates – I wanted darkness, I wanted him. So I grabbed my king and ran away to a land of death, where I reigned and people whispered that I’d been dragged. I’ll tell you I’ve changed, I’ll tell you, the red on my lips isn’t wine. I hope you’ve heard of horns, but that isn’t half of it. Out of an entire kingdom he kneels only to me, calls me Queen, calls me Mercy. Mama, Mama, I hope you get this. Know the bed is warm and our hearts are cold, know never have I been better that when I am here. Do not send flowers, we’ll throw them in the river. ‘Flowers are for the dead,’ ‘least thats what the mortals say. I’ll come back when he bores me, but Mama, not today.” – Daniella Michallen, “Persephone Speaks”
- “And I think the thing that terrifies me most is that one day, you’ll be the story I’ll tell my daughter, when she’s curled up in bed, wrapped in blankets and heartbreak, when she hasn’t eaten anything in days but the voicemails he left her, when she hasn’t been able to sleep because the goodbye that broke her shatters her bones all over again every time she closes her fucking eyes. And I’ll climb into bed with her and she’ll lay her head on my lap and I’ll try to brush him out of her hair and her tears will soak through my shirt and I’ll tell her about the boy I met when I was sixteen, who sat next to me in math class, who I fell in love with after two weeks, who saved me, who fucking destroyed me. And I’ll tell her about how it hurt. It hurt so badly it almost killed me. It hurt so badly my mother stopped going to work so she could stay home and make sure I didn’t take too many pills. And then I’ll tell her about how it got better. How it stopped hurting. How I stopped bleeding. My mother went back to work. I got out of bed. But I won’t tell her that sometimes I still have dreams about you and can hardly breathe the next day or about the pictures of you I have hidden in the attic.” – via extrasad
- “I am not very good at a lot of things; i cannot paint you pictures because the beautiful things in my head cannot be translated nor can I sing to you as my voice has an uncanny habit of falling flat nor can I play for you as my fingers fumble when my thoughts cross over to how you look, watching me but I can brush the knots out of your hair, and work the knots out of your back when your day has become too much to bear i am not good at much, but I will be good to you. – kpk
This is just a warning that I’m going to get on a *bit* of a soapbox here. But I can’t be the only one out there who feels this way. I’m also going to preface this blog by saying that not only do I spend every day in a male dominated job ( a job that I love and went to college for, I’m not here by accident), I was raised with a brother.
Now, my parents raised my brother and I the same way for the most part (up until those years where they think you might get pregnant so you have to stay home while your brother goes to a party even though you’ve never even had a boyfriend and he’s had several girl friends). As children, we were allowed to do things and try things that are not considered “lady like” by all, like playing in the mud, riding four wheelers, and learning to work on cars. But my parents raised us that it doesn’t matter if you’re male or female. You can bring the same things to the table. They did, however, raise me to understand that I am a smaller person, and by nature, I am not as strong as other people. They raised me with this truth that although I am not as strong as some, it doesn’t mean that I am “less than”. It’s just what it is, and I need to accept my limitations so that I don’t hurt myself. They raised me to see that I am smarter than some people, like other people are stronger than me. And that you don’t use this as a way to be superior to others, but as a way to lift others up, while also figuring out other ways to do things that I am physically too small for.
Now, as I said, I am in a male dominated job every day. I work in the paint side of a body shop. My job is physical and demanding, and some days I come home dirtier than my boyfriend (who is a machinist). People ask me sometimes how this is being a lady and all. For the most part, I don’t imagine it’s much different than being a dude. In college (which ran for some parts like an actual body shop) and in my job, I’ve had the same experience with my peers. They are cautious around me at first, like they aren’t sure what to expect and how to act. Once I kinda (subtly) set boundaries for what behavior I will and will not tolerate (I’m a socially anxious person and I like my bubble), I just dig in. I get to work the same as they do. And once they realize I’m serious and I’m there to work, it’s all good. They help me lift parts that are too heavy for me to carry on my own without belittling me. They do it for me the same way they do for each other (granted for me it’s like a hood or a door, and for each other it’s like an entire truck bed but still). They do it with respect as equals. And I love them for it.
It’s often people outside of my industry or people in my industry who have not worked with females that I have issues with. There are two types of guys I meet when I tell people what I do. The first is the asshole. This is a guy who thinks that I’m either doing my job because I feel like I have something to prove as a woman (not true, it’s something my dad did and I grew up around my whole life) or that they know how to do my job better. My favorite is the one who thinks they know more than I do but has never done any part of my job. This is the person I get so angry with, I just smile and walk away. You cannot win with these types of people so it’s best not to engage with them at all. The second person is the one who is supportive. They want to know what it was that got me into it, are happy to answer any questions that I have, or (if they don’t work in my industry) ask me all sorts of questions related to my job. I love these people. They make me feel welcome in my industry and just make me feel like a normal human.
It’s not just in my job that it irritates me on being a woman in a man’s world and it being made obvious. I enjoy riding motorcycles. I have been on the backs of bikes since I was a baby and I’ve just last year went and taken a course to get my license. But when you go to look at bikes and equipment, you are usually made to feel different. It’s difficult to find serious equipment. Everything is usually overly girly and not geared towards safety, but towards fashion. Just check out your local Harley Davidson store. I’m not about that life. Fashion is nice, but I need function too. I don’t want things that scream “Look at me! I’m a lady doing man things!” I want things that scream “I’m doing something I enjoy, and I know how to protect myself doing it. I’m serious about this thing I’m doing.” Finding quality boots that have grip and don’t have a fashion heel is hard, and they’re usually way more expensive than comparable mens boots. Finding a jacket that is fitting and actually protective is another issue. They usually have rhinestones or things like that when I just want a plain jacket. I’m so small that the men’s jackets don’t fit without issues. I have no problem wearing men’s stuff, but I have a very small frame and it usually doesn’t fit as well as I need it to. Not to mention, not everything for women has to have pink or purple on it. There. I said it.
I am also getting into shooting bows thanks to my boyfriend. He has also been trying to convince me to go hunting with him. Holy crap is there a limited selection there too. And I swear, EVERYTHING has pink or purple on it. (I’m looking at you “Muddy Girl” camo). It’s very hard to find regular camo that is function and isn’t a v cut or have pink or purple. And small enough to fit. And no, I can’t wear the little kids camo. My waist is small enough but my legs are way too long. AND I do NOT want to be told to “just check the kids section”. I’m a grown ass woman and I’m closer to 30 than 18. I DO NOT want to shop in the kids section and no I’m not “luckier” because it’s cheaper. The only camo you can find that is cut for ladies but otherwise the same as the guys seems to be extremely expensive. (I’m looking at you Sitka and First Lite).
Looking for things for my bow are much the same. There are a million different options for the “guys” but there are only a few for women. (If you’re like me and need smaller equipment for my wimpy noodle arms). I seriously just bought a “youth” release mechanism for my bow because it fit just as well as some of the “womens” and it wasn’t pink or purple. I just bought arrows that are white and aqua and they were the ONLY ones I could find small enough between three big box stores that weren’t pink or purple.
Now, I know I’m harping on pink and purple, but if that’s your thing, power to you. I just don’t feel the need to highlight the fact that I’m a lady. I just want to feel equal. I don’t want to feel superior, I don’t want to feel less than. Just equal. There’s a name for this “marketing scheme” or whatever you want to call it. “Shrink it and pink it.” and I don’t feel that it’s a good thing to teach our youth, be they male or female. I think that if you enjoy something, the “colors” shouldn’t deem it a male or female thing. You should be able to get the equipment that you need, in the sizes and cuts you need it in, in whatever color you want. A Tonka Truck shouldn’t have to be pink for a girl to feel like she can play with it. Now, I know girls like things that are pink and purple sometimes and that’s fine, but the option should be there for girls who don’t. The NERF guns that are for girls, that are while and pink and branded as “different” drive me up the fucking wall. What was wrong with the regular ones? Why do girls who want to play with NERF guns have to be labeled or branded to as different?
Now, maybe it’s just me. And if so, I’ll get off my soap box. But I just feel like the difference in branding isn’t offering freedom so much as it is driving a wedge between gender equality. It implies that ladies are fragile and dainty and “less than” and “aren’t they cute?” and they need protected. Some people say this mentality is going away but it’s not going fast enough. This isn’t a subject I harp on very much, but I feel it’s important to visit every now and then. If it loses me followers, so be it. I just feel like it isn’t asking for too much to teach people, both kids and adults, that equal is equal and color doesn’t dictate what you can/can’t or should/shouldn’t do or enjoy in your life. And whether you agree or disagree, I’d love to hear your opinions or comments, as well as if you’ve dealt with this in your life, be you male or female.
Hello Dear Readers! As many of you know, I’m all about supporting State Parks and Historic sites as well as National Parks and Historic sites. I love them and think they are important, as well as being a great way … Continue reading
Do you love to travel? Is there a destination you’ve always wanted to go to? That seems to be the case for most of us. Sometimes it’s a yearly destination. Sometimes it’s that daydream “I’d love to go but I’ll never be able to” destination. You can get to either of these places, I promise. As long as you’re willing to budget. No matter where your dream destination is, I’m going to show you how I get to the places I want to go.
For me and my boyfriend, budgeting is a way of life. For some people, budget is a dirty word they want to run far away from. But it’s not that scary when you break it down into small manageable chunks. As they say, what’s the best way to eat an elephant? One bite at a time. The first step is to take out a piece of paper (or open a word document) and list every bill you have. Be sure to note which bills are weekly, monthly, and yearly. This list should include everything from your mortgage or rent to insurance and entertainment costs. Multiply any weekly bills by 52 (52 weeks in a year) and any monthly bills by 12. Add your yearly numbers together to get your total yearly expenses. NOW, this number tends to be large, but don’t freak out on me. We’re gonna break it down into manageable chunks, remember?
Now, as I said, I get paid weekly. Therefore, I’m going to work this budget that way. If you get paid biweekly or monthly (I can’t imagine but I do know someone who gets paid this way) you work your budget accordingly. What we are ultimately working towards is how much money you need to take off your paycheck as soon as you get it cashed (or deposited although that makes it a little more complicated and requires more self discipline). Simply take your yearly expense total and divide by 52 (weekly, change this number according to your pay schedule). Now, in our house, we do not add groceries or fuel for our vehicles to this budget list because we keep that money in our wallet as part of our “live on” money. If you feel like you need to add it in, feel free. After all, it’s your budget and I’m not here to tell you what works best for you.
The next step is to subtract that number from your weekly paycheck. Hopefully it is a steady number, but if you are like me (I work on a “flat rate” number that changes my paycheck based on the work that comes in or is completed that week) it doesn’t. If this number is too close to what you make in a week, perhaps consider trimming out a few things (like cable or netflix?) to slim down your expense category. I can make a post about debt solutions later if anyone is interested. Moving on. Assuming that you have money left over, we take at least $100 more off the top than our expenses. THAT money is where our vacations come from. Well…one of the places. We stick that money in an envelope that we hide in our house, but if we were smart, we would probably stick it in a high interest savings account.
That money adds up more quickly than you think. And if $100 leaves you feeling stretched too thin, find an amount that works for you. It doesn’t matter if it’s $20 a week, because even $20 a week is $1,040 at the end of the year. Which is enough for a decent vacation depending on destination, length, and the size of your family. If you’re looking for that dream vacation, stick that money into a high interest savings account and watch it grow. Make yourself a chart where you can mark your progress and you’ll be there before you know it.
Another way that most people don’t think about to help pad that vacay fund is something my boyfriend has been doing for a long time. He started this habit when we got together and I
made him get suggested a budget for him. He stopped almost every morning on his way to work for a pack of smokes and coffee. When he came home, he put all his change in a tray on his dresser and forgot about it. As it piled up, I started rolling it and stashing those rolls in a coffee can. That spare change adds up because you don’t think it will. We’ve been together 7 years and have paid for at least 3 vacations (all around the $600 mark) with spare change.
The second thing he does is at the end of the week, before he sorts his money from his paycheck, he goes into his wallet. Any $5s or $1s go into an old coffee can. We affectionately call it “the stripper fund”. *Note: neither of us has ever been nor has any desire to go to a strip club (but we don’t judge those who do), it’s simply a name*. That money is another one that adds up as well. Now, he takes the larger bills and either leaves them in his wallet (for extra to “live on”) or removes them to his personal “stuck back” account to buy things he wants, like hunting or motorcycle gear. You could choose to add that money to your vacation fund as well.
Now, to help keep track of making sure all bills are paid and paid on time, (late fees just cut into your vacation fund) I keep a book. It also helps keep a running record of your growing savings for vacation! We’ve found the key is to find something simple that you can turn into a habit and you’ll be on your dream vacation in no time! I’d love to hear your ways you save for vacation and all those dream places you want to visit.
Hello dear readers.
I know this year has been sporadic in my posting of this blog, but it has been a long complicated year. I would say that I would like to leave many of the things that happened in 2017 in the past, but they have made impacts on my life, and the lives of my family and friends that we simply must move forward with them in tow. I warn you that this will be a long, and probably depressing read, but I will also add some quotes at the end, as a way of apologizing. Just stick with me. This is part one, a lot of the bad and the painful that I would like to leave in 2017. Part two will be some of the better things, happier and joyful.
It has been a year of loss and pain, and yet a year of small victories and joy. In January, my maternal grandfather passed away at the age of 87, two weeks before what would have been my grandparents’ 66th wedding anniversary. It is hard to say that it is ever a surprise when someone who has lived such a long life passes, but alas, death is one of those things for which we are never ready. It hit my mom really hard as she had quit her job to take care of my father but instead wound up taking care of her own father.
After her father’s passing, she went immediately to caring for my grandmother. As selfish as it is to say, my father’s health continued to suffer as a result. In May, she took my grandmother to the hospital due to a shortness of breath and a ever growing goiter. They discussed options for removing it, shrinking it, ect. In the end, the hospital decided to refer her to a throat cancer specialist at Emory because they would be more familiar with the type of surgery that would be required. This was sometime in June. The oncologist decided that further testing, such as further blood tests and a biopsy, were necessary to form a more detailed plan of action. In mid July, we received news we were not expecting.
My grandmother, at the age of 86, was diagnosed with stage 4 anaplastic thyroid cancer. Possibly due to not having the goiter removed years ago, but that is not a game worth playing. She was scheduled to start radiation on August 3rd, the day after my mother’s birthday. There was a large family fight because she was required to have a family member stay with her at the Hope Lodge (special housing near the hospital) round the clock. My mom wanted to go but I argued largely against it because my dad’s health was beginning to fail, more so than it already is.
August 2, my mother’s 61st birthday, changed that. My father, who is diabetic, on dialysis, has vision problems, and neuropathy, stepped off the stairs on their front porch wrong on his way to get in the car to dialysis. He broke his ankle, on both sides of his left leg. Being diabetic and on dialysis means that he does not heal quickly. My mom rushed him to the ER the next town over (because the hospital in our town will not touch a patient on dialysis – for any reason) where they splinted his ankle and scheduled him for surgery late the next day. I took off work to stay with my dad while my mom went with her mom for her first radiation treatment and to help move her and my aunt ( who took a temporary leave from work) into the Hope Lodge.
After the surgery for my dad, he didn’t quit using his foot. He couldn’t tell how much pressure he was putting on it because of the neuropathy. The screws pulled out and the plates bent. The options weren’t great after that. They really wanted the wounds to heal more before they went back in. Once they felt that happened as much as it could within the time they had, they went back in and removed the plates, screws, and a few bone shards. They then put a wound vac on it in order to try and speed healing for the next surgery.
In the midst of all this, my grandmother was still undergoing radiation. My mom made a few trips to go see her, while I stayed with my dad. One day, at dialysis, they discovered his fistula (the super vein created in his arm for dialysis) was clotted. They sent him to the vascular center the next town over. They attempted to clean the clots out, and sent him home. He begged them to admit him to the hospital because of the stress he would have to put on his arms getting in and out of the car.
When he got home, it was still bleeding slightly. As he got out of the car, he felt he popped one of the sutures. It began bleeding profusely. My mom couldn’t get him in the car by herself, so she was forced to call an ambulance to transport him to the hospital (the next town over of course). Unfortunately, the paramedics did what is their job, but not quite the correct course of action for this case. They applied pressure to stop the bleeding. Which, as we discovered when he got to the hospital, also reclotted the super vein. Which put him into a surgery that was several hours long. Once they got in to try to bust up the clots, the artificial vein basically disintegrated.
It had been in for three years, which is apparently pretty good, but it also meant that they had to do an emergency reconstruction instead of just cleaning the clots out. They also put a permacath in his chest so they could continue dialysis while his arm healed enough to use.
Meanwhile, my grandmother successfully completed her 6 weeks of radiation at Emory. She was, understandably, glad to be home. However, my aunt, who had been staying with her at the hope lodge, started dragging her anywhere and everywhere she could think of, even though the doctors had prescribed lots of rest to help her recover from the radiation. I understand what she was trying to do, but my grandmother was visibly exhausted. We were still having problems keeping her blood pressure and sugar under control. A few weeks after she completed radiation, she had to go back to Emory for a check up/ PET scan. My mom and my aunt went with her.
Much to our dismay, the news wasn’t what we were hoping for. The cancer was still there, and there wasn’t much more they could do. The experimental trial they were hoping to get her into did not cover her type of cancer, so that was no longer an option. And, a few days after this, my aunt woke up to find my grandmother non-responsive. They rushed her to the hospital where options were discussed. The hospital where she was taken is where my aunt (my mom’s sister-in-law) has been a nurse for many years. The doctors informed us that there were medications they could give her that *might* help with a few things, like bringing her blood sugar into check, but not with everything. Her kids (my mom, aunt, and uncle) made the decision not to put her on life support or anything like that, to just wait and see. I rushed up there as soon as I could from work, and most of the family was already there.
It was heartbreaking, but to be honest with you, I think she was just tired. Sad and heart broken at the loss of the love of her life, tired of the radiation, and I think, when they told her she still had cancer and few options, she took that the only way she knew how. As God telling her that it was ok to let go, and that it was time. She passed away two days later, and I held my mother as she cried. Ugly tears of soul ripping sorrow. Tears of regret and sadness. Tears of love she still had to give. Tears for the phone call she now had to make to my brother, who moved to Seattle with his wife in March.
After her passing, they went to planning the funeral (which was paid for and mostly planned) and I went to finding flights home for my brother and sister-in-law. I know we do not get to plan things like life or death, but I do hate the fact that the funeral wound up on my brother and sister-in-law’s wedding anniversary.
In the midst of my grandmother getting out of the hospital and her passing, my father had more complications of his own. The wound vac was supposed to heal the wound so they could go in and either a) immobilize his ankle completely with a steel rod or b) amputate his ankle and foot. He and my mom had many many long talks about what would be better. He was leaning towards amputation but the doctor, after more reviewing, convinced him to at least give the immobilization a go. Well, home health had been coming out several times a week to change the wound vac, and one morning, it was full of blood, so full it was bubbling out the plastic dressing of the wound vac because the vac couldn’t keep up. Flash forward two more mornings of this and my mom called his surgeon. The assistant answered, and advised her to take my dad to the ER a town over (same town as earlier, different hospital) where the Dr was already in surgery and she would make sure he knew my dad was waiting to see him.
They immediately admitted him to the hospital with a possible infection. This began another worry of whether or not the infection was septic, which would mean surgery promptly to remove the permacath as it goes directly to his heart. After testing, it was determined that the infection was not in his blood, but was in the soft tissues of the wound. The prognosis was not good. Apparently, for otherwise healthy people, it takes two separate antibiotics, administered daily via IV at the hospital, for several months in the hope that the bacteria won’t become resistant to both of the drugs. For my father, who has many health problems, this was explained to him while also being told that it wasn’t really an option for them because they were afraid of the infection going septic or moving further up the tissue in his leg. He was advised that his best, and pretty much only option, was amputation.
That was on Friday. If that was what he decided, they were going to schedule the surgery for Monday because they felt time was of the essence. He told them to schedule it. He and my mother spent the weekend deep in discussion. While amputation had already been on the horizon, we didn’t think it would come up again so soon. The surgery was done Monday at noon. I left work to be with my mom, who can hold up a good front but was falling apart on the inside. Especially when the surgery took a few hours longer than they told us it would. And when they brought him out of recovery… well, let’s just suffice it to say that it was a long rough night for all of us.
My dad, surprisingly, was more prepared than my mom, I think. She was worried about how to get him places, like home and dialysis, and care for him, with the new change of events. Her car is not handicap friendly, they can’t afford one that is. She drives a 2010 Ford Focus that I had a trailer hitch and cargo carrier installed on so she could put his wheel chair on it. My boyfriend and I, and a friend of ours had built a handicap ramp on the side of the porch so she could get him in the house. We learned a lot about amputation and prosthesis the same way we learned about renal failure and dialysis, on the fly as it was happening. While he was in the hospital recovering from the amputation they went ahead and did a surgery on his opposite arm to try and form another super vein / fistula for dialysis. Unfortunately, this also meant he couldn’t start physical therapy as undo stress on the arm could cause the fistula to collapse or clot.
So, my mom gives him a hard time about adding Thanksgiving and their 35th wedding the anniversary to the days spent in the hospital this year. They sent him home with home health for 3 weeks to let the fistula heal. He went back in the hospital last week (Monday the week before Christmas) because he was wheezing and couldn’t breath. They discovered more fluid build up in his body and in his lungs. They did dialysis every day, and did CAT scans, x-rays, an EKG, an ultrasound of his heart and chest, and more. He was hooked up to a bipap, they are concerned with some spots in his lungs, decide it’s early pneumonia, and possibly COPD. They finally sent him home late Friday after taking a total of 17 liter of fluid off his body and running a round of antibiotics and such for the pneumonia.
While he was in the hospital, his other surgeon (for the fistula) told them Friday morning to try to use it for dialysis. Unfortunately, it didn’t work and we’re not sure where that leaves us. We aren’t sure if he used it too much (which is the more likely possibility), when another surgery will be, or what this means for him starting physical therapy. He did have an appointment to take out the rest of the stitches from his amputation and it *knock on wood* seems to be healing. I, however, am worried because he took out the part of the limb protector that forces him to keep his knee straight, keeping the tendon stretched. But, you can’t force people to do what’s best for them. Especially when that person is a parent. We will see where this all will lead, but that, for now, is a problem for next year.
End part 1. P.S. I also had all 4 wisdom teeth cut out the day after Christmas, which is why I have time to type this.
“The world is not a wish granting factory.” – The Fault In Our Stars
“Your speed doesn’t matter. Forward is forward.” – Unknown
“It seems to me, that love could be labeled poison and we’d drink it anyways.” – Atticus
“I sailed seas of emotion, to wander a forest of scars, I am a dance of Light and darkness, A galaxy of shadow and stars.” – R. Queen
“You spend your whole life stuck in the labyrinth, thinking about how you’ll escape one day, and how awesome it will be, and imagining that future keeps you going, but you never do it. You just use the future to escape the present.” – Looking For Alaska
“You will never recognize happiness if you have never danced the night away with sorrow.” – r.m. drake
“The world is indeed full of peril and in it there are many dark places. But still is fair there is much that is fair. And though in all the lands, love is now mingled with grief, it still grows, perhaps the greater.” – The Lord of the Rings
“You know what the issues is with this world? Everyone wants a magical solution to their problem, and everyone refuses to believe in magic.” – Alice in Wonderland
“People don’t like love, they like that flittery flirty feeling. They don’t love love – love is sacrificial, love is ferocious, it’s not emotive. Our culture doesn’t love love, it loves the idea of love. It wants the emotion without paying anything for it.” – Unknown
“It’s a beautiful thing to have lungs that allow you to breath air and legs that allow you to climb mountains, and it’s a shame that sometimes we don’t realize that that’s enough.” – unknown
“Damaged people love you like you are a crime scene before a crime has even been committed. They keep their running shoes besides their souls every night, one eye open in case things change whilst they sleep. Their backs are always tense as though waiting to fight a sudden storm that might engulf them. Because damaged people have already seen hell. And damaged people understand that every evil demon that exists down there was once a kind angel before it fell.” – Nikita Gill
“You come home, make some tea, sit down in your armchair, and all around there’s silence. Everyone decides for themselves whether that’s loneliness or freedom.” – Unknown
“When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don’t get to decide that you didn’t.” – Louis C.K.
“And then I felt sad because I realized that once people are broken in certain ways, they can’t ever be fixed, and this is something nobody ever tells you when you are young.” – Douglas Coupland Life After God
“Forgive them. All of your thems. The more thems you can forgive, the better you’ll feel.” – Karen Salmansohn
“Sometimes the fear won’t go away, so you’ll have to do it afraid.” – Unknown
“My love, you have too many smiles left in you to be so sad.” – Atticus
“Life advice: Always be the best person you can be. Be kind even when you’re tired. Be understanding even when you’re angry. Do more than you’re asked, and don’t ask for anything in return. Don’t silently expect anything either. Listen when someone talks, and really listen too, stop just thinking of how you’ll reply. Tell people that you love them and that you appreciate them. Go out of your way to do things for people. Be the greatest person you can possibly be and when you mess up, make up for it in the next moment or minute or day. One thing you should never do? Never spend your time trying to prove to anybody that you’re great, your actions will speak for themselves and we only have limited time on this earth, don’t waste it. If someone doesn’t see your light, don’t worry. Like moths, good people are attracted to flame and to light, and they will come.” – Unknown
“In order to love who you are, you cannot hate the experiences that shaped you.” – Andrea Dykrstra
“Sooner or later, everyone sits down to a banquet of consequences.” – Robert Louis Stevenson
“But the past cannot be changed, and we carry our choices with us, forward, into the unknown. We can only move on.” – Libba Bray The Sweet Far Thing
“We create the illusions we need to go on. And one day, when they no longer dazzle or comfort, we tear them down, brick by glittering brick, until we are left with nothing but the bright light of honesty. The light is liberating. Necessary. Terrifying. We stand naked and emptied before it. And when it is too much for our eyes to take, we build a new illusion to shield us from its relentless truth.” – Libba Bray The Sweet Far Thing
“The way sadness works is one of the strange riddles of the world. If you are stricken with a great sadness, you may feel as if you have been set aflame, not only because of the enormous pain but also because your sadness may spread over your life, like smoke from an enormous fire. You might find it difficult to see anything but your own sadness, the way smoke can cover a landscape so that all anyone can see is black. You may find that if someone pours water all over you, you are damp and distracted, but not cured of your sadness, the way a fire department can douse a fire but never recover what has been burnt down.” – Lemony Snickett The Bad Beginning
“You carry so much love in your heart. Give some to yourself.” – r.z.
” ‘You,’ he said, ‘are a terribly real thing in a terribly false world, and that, I believe, is why you are in so much pain.’ ” – Unknown
“There are two types of tired, I suppose. One is a dire need of sleep, and the other is a dire need of peace.” – unknown
” ‘You can’t love someone unless you love yourself first.’ Bullshit. I have never loved myself. But you, Oh God. I loved you so much I forgot what hating myself felt like.” – Unknown
“Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it.” – Harry Potter
“She knew she loved him when ‘Home’ went from being a place to being a person.” – E. Leventhal
“The sun will rise and we will try again.” – Unknown.